I love the snack table at sex parties. That is my favorite part!
-Sex Nerd Sandra, Episode 100, 1:32:56
*****
There’s a lot of stuff I didn’t know about sex parties. Most notably, they’re not about sex.
OK, well, that’s not necessarily true. From what I’ve seen and heard briefly, there can be a lot of getting naked and getting it on happening at a sex party, but that’s not necessarily the point. The point is finding people and getting to know one another. Or maybe, catching up with good old horizontal friends.
I recently went to “one of those parties” (as far as I know, nobody has a word for them, but it was a party for the open/kinky community, where people--couples exclusively, in this case--can find sex partners to play with later but not use them immediately for instant gratification). It was fascinating. So I’m writing up a brief review to try to parse out what I’ve learned.
How do you know the hosts?
How do you know the host(ess)? A pretty innocuous question at a party, and this party was particularly nice because, knowing that everyone was there to scope out sex for one purpose or other, I got much better answers than the, “oh, we have a mutual friend” that I use as the stock answer when introducing my non-spousal primary (the truth--we met on an on-line dating site--is not for mixed company).
Answers ranged from, “I know this person, who knows this person, who introduced me to... [6 people later], who’s dating the host” to “my wife is an artist, and the hostess is an artist. We usually go to art shows together. But sometimes, we have sex.” Nobody used, “I was a stranger come in off the street, heard about this party, and decided to invite myself,” which is how I met my secondary. That would have been an awkward way to enter this party.
My answer to how I know the hosts? “My spouse went on a date with the hostess about a year ago. This is the first party we were able to schedule to come to.”
Managing expectations
The most notable answer to the question above: We met at a meetup group for polyamorous people and swingers.
“Oh,” I said. “So in this group, there’s overlap between polyamory and swinging? Often, the two seem mutually exclusive.”
“Yes, well, some people are into just one or the other. We do both. I presume you’re mono?”
This gave me two great opportunities:
Sometimes it’s nice to not have to worry about pushing off unwanted sex
Odd as it seems--not having sex at a sex party--I found myself very happy it was just a social event. Given that this was a meat market, and I didn’t want casual sex (see “Managing expectations” above), it was great to have an excuse to keep my clothes on, even if the excuse was something like, “this isn’t the sort of party where we end up having sex.”
The tension in the room was palpable. It might seem like a no-brainer that in a culture of consent, nobody’s having sex who doesn’t want to. But the fact that the point of this party was to find new sex partners, and I was the newest person to the network, meant I was surrounded by drooling idiots (and I do mean that in the kindest way possible. They were all very attractive in their own ways). Had sex been an actual possibility, expressing the constant “no” would have become exhausting.
You have to do your time at the public parties before you get invited to the really good private ones
This was the first private party I was invited to, and I was disappointed by the social dynamics. We found the hosts after my spouse went on a date with the hostess (“How do you know the hosts?” above), and when my spouse met the hostess’s husband (called hereafter the “host” for short), fireworks ensued. I don't mean the good kind of fireworks. Those two didn’t get along. That fact didn’t endear me to the prospect of even going to this party. After all, there are people I love whom I’m not fucking right now--what am I doing at a party with an unpleasant host?
The effect was even worse after the host, who had chosen to act like an ass to my spouse, clearly decided to go after me. What’s the worse social evil, to be rude to the host, or to lead him on (because, in my experience, anything aside from extremely clear and direct negativity has great potential for leading on)? The choice would have been made much easier had I any other entree into the good private parties.
The results
In general, I’d say the evening was a social success. My spouse and I exchanged digits with a few compelling people, and apparently the “wait three days rule” that I’d heard back in the day the first time I was dating no longer applies now. The text messages and plans to get together are already flowing through cyberspace.
The evening was so successful, in fact, that I wanted to leave early. Not because I wasn’t having a good time. Just that I had already been there long enough to figure out whom I wanted to see again and whom I could just as easily live without. Sure, we could party for hours and have a socially awkward good time with near-strangers undressing us with their eyes (some of them welcome, and some of them less so). Or we could go home and make our own fun.
We’re all judging, all the time
The big surprise was the conversation on the way home. Whom did you like, and who turned you off? Can we agree on anybody to contact later? Was their partner worthwhile? Details of body type and aesthetic on the ones we liked. Snooty remarks about the ones who had obviously either snubbed us or misread our “go away” body language.
I felt very shallow. And I know those conversations, for the other guests, involved harsh or objectifying observations about me, too. But such is the consequence of trying to find chemistry that works for two.
*****
Questions or comments? I’ve got opinions! Try my at polysaturated@rocketmail.com.
-Sex Nerd Sandra, Episode 100, 1:32:56
*****
There’s a lot of stuff I didn’t know about sex parties. Most notably, they’re not about sex.
OK, well, that’s not necessarily true. From what I’ve seen and heard briefly, there can be a lot of getting naked and getting it on happening at a sex party, but that’s not necessarily the point. The point is finding people and getting to know one another. Or maybe, catching up with good old horizontal friends.
I recently went to “one of those parties” (as far as I know, nobody has a word for them, but it was a party for the open/kinky community, where people--couples exclusively, in this case--can find sex partners to play with later but not use them immediately for instant gratification). It was fascinating. So I’m writing up a brief review to try to parse out what I’ve learned.
How do you know the hosts?
How do you know the host(ess)? A pretty innocuous question at a party, and this party was particularly nice because, knowing that everyone was there to scope out sex for one purpose or other, I got much better answers than the, “oh, we have a mutual friend” that I use as the stock answer when introducing my non-spousal primary (the truth--we met on an on-line dating site--is not for mixed company).
Answers ranged from, “I know this person, who knows this person, who introduced me to... [6 people later], who’s dating the host” to “my wife is an artist, and the hostess is an artist. We usually go to art shows together. But sometimes, we have sex.” Nobody used, “I was a stranger come in off the street, heard about this party, and decided to invite myself,” which is how I met my secondary. That would have been an awkward way to enter this party.
My answer to how I know the hosts? “My spouse went on a date with the hostess about a year ago. This is the first party we were able to schedule to come to.”
Managing expectations
The most notable answer to the question above: We met at a meetup group for polyamorous people and swingers.
“Oh,” I said. “So in this group, there’s overlap between polyamory and swinging? Often, the two seem mutually exclusive.”
“Yes, well, some people are into just one or the other. We do both. I presume you’re mono?”
This gave me two great opportunities:
- if I can pass for monogamous at a sex party, surely I can pull the wool over the eyes of society. I did a mental happy dance over that feedback.
- it gave me a great way to manage expectations (the person in question seemed to get very attached to me rather quickly, and I preferred to move them away). “I think I get both concepts, but I’m hard-core polyamorous. I just would rather spend my time with someone I know and love, even if it's just on the phone, than have casual sex right now.”
Sometimes it’s nice to not have to worry about pushing off unwanted sex
Odd as it seems--not having sex at a sex party--I found myself very happy it was just a social event. Given that this was a meat market, and I didn’t want casual sex (see “Managing expectations” above), it was great to have an excuse to keep my clothes on, even if the excuse was something like, “this isn’t the sort of party where we end up having sex.”
The tension in the room was palpable. It might seem like a no-brainer that in a culture of consent, nobody’s having sex who doesn’t want to. But the fact that the point of this party was to find new sex partners, and I was the newest person to the network, meant I was surrounded by drooling idiots (and I do mean that in the kindest way possible. They were all very attractive in their own ways). Had sex been an actual possibility, expressing the constant “no” would have become exhausting.
You have to do your time at the public parties before you get invited to the really good private ones
This was the first private party I was invited to, and I was disappointed by the social dynamics. We found the hosts after my spouse went on a date with the hostess (“How do you know the hosts?” above), and when my spouse met the hostess’s husband (called hereafter the “host” for short), fireworks ensued. I don't mean the good kind of fireworks. Those two didn’t get along. That fact didn’t endear me to the prospect of even going to this party. After all, there are people I love whom I’m not fucking right now--what am I doing at a party with an unpleasant host?
The effect was even worse after the host, who had chosen to act like an ass to my spouse, clearly decided to go after me. What’s the worse social evil, to be rude to the host, or to lead him on (because, in my experience, anything aside from extremely clear and direct negativity has great potential for leading on)? The choice would have been made much easier had I any other entree into the good private parties.
The results
In general, I’d say the evening was a social success. My spouse and I exchanged digits with a few compelling people, and apparently the “wait three days rule” that I’d heard back in the day the first time I was dating no longer applies now. The text messages and plans to get together are already flowing through cyberspace.
The evening was so successful, in fact, that I wanted to leave early. Not because I wasn’t having a good time. Just that I had already been there long enough to figure out whom I wanted to see again and whom I could just as easily live without. Sure, we could party for hours and have a socially awkward good time with near-strangers undressing us with their eyes (some of them welcome, and some of them less so). Or we could go home and make our own fun.
We’re all judging, all the time
The big surprise was the conversation on the way home. Whom did you like, and who turned you off? Can we agree on anybody to contact later? Was their partner worthwhile? Details of body type and aesthetic on the ones we liked. Snooty remarks about the ones who had obviously either snubbed us or misread our “go away” body language.
I felt very shallow. And I know those conversations, for the other guests, involved harsh or objectifying observations about me, too. But such is the consequence of trying to find chemistry that works for two.
*****
Questions or comments? I’ve got opinions! Try my at polysaturated@rocketmail.com.
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