Metalover (about a new OKCupid date): I just want to keep her has a pet.
Me: What does that mean?
Metalover: I like to talk to her. I’m not really attracted to her, but I’d sure like to snuggle up to her.
*******
There are many, many inappropriate things people can do together that don’t generally qualify as sex. Some of them are a lot of fun. Some of them are often considered precursors to sex. How does one stop at a particular level of inappropriate behavior that might be seen as a precursor to sex, but that one wants to keep as a singular outcome?
There’s a lot of talk in the open/kinky community about the “culture of consent.” If no sometimes means yes, and vice versa, it’s hard to figure out just how much someone is into what’s happening vs. just going along for the ride or actively wanting to backtrack mid-activity. It’s safest to refrain from a certain activity until getting clear and enthusiastic consent from their partner(s).
That sounds great in theory, but in practice, a lot of things can go wrong in the moment, including:
One way to deal with that potential--and very common--issue of overstepped boundaries or consent in the moment is for people to play well within their boundaries so the consequences of overstepped expressed boundaries are not so severe as overstepped actual boundaries.
At its best, openness allows for different levels of play with different people. Everyone gets their needs met and nobody depends on a singular person to fill those needs, so there’s no need for pressure. But what’s the difference between pressure and encouragement to expand one’s horizons into activities that might be fun, and if not fun, never have to be experienced again? The kind of pressure expressed in lines 1-5 only seem problematic to society if in the context of sex, rather than, say, going on a hike or some other means of expanding horizons. I prefer to have partners I trust to go to the edge of what I’m comfortable with around them and not further. As with most activities, going just to the edge of a comfort zone builds skills safely and efficiently. It just seems hard for some people to believe that the edge with them may be different than what constitutes the edge with a different person. Or that someone else's edge may be different from their own.
My secondary seems to have a good way to get around that, and it’s quite the opposite of reactions 1-5 above. It gets him a lot of action. He sets boundaries early on, either his own boundaries (I’d like to get in bed and snuggle with clothes on), and sometimes a partner’s boundaries (don’t let me kiss you!). And then he sticks to them. Even if his partner’s boundaries seem to move in the moment, his never do.
“Nope. You said not to let you kiss me. And I won’t.” It drives them crazy. And yet, it feels safe enough to allow them to come off their guard. If they still feel like kissing well after the cuddle session is over, new rules can get negotiated for the next session. And they’ll be darned sure to want a next session. There’s no “what was I thinking? Why did I do something so stupid?” moment. All they remember is they want more. And they come back for it.
Part of being open allows for culturally inappropriate behavior with friends. The assumption of sex is there, and it sometimes happens. But sometimes, it’s just nice to get an inappropriately long vertical clothing-on hug.
*******
Questions or comments? I’ve got opinions! Try my at polysaturated@rocketmail.com.
Me: What does that mean?
Metalover: I like to talk to her. I’m not really attracted to her, but I’d sure like to snuggle up to her.
*******
There are many, many inappropriate things people can do together that don’t generally qualify as sex. Some of them are a lot of fun. Some of them are often considered precursors to sex. How does one stop at a particular level of inappropriate behavior that might be seen as a precursor to sex, but that one wants to keep as a singular outcome?
There’s a lot of talk in the open/kinky community about the “culture of consent.” If no sometimes means yes, and vice versa, it’s hard to figure out just how much someone is into what’s happening vs. just going along for the ride or actively wanting to backtrack mid-activity. It’s safest to refrain from a certain activity until getting clear and enthusiastic consent from their partner(s).
That sounds great in theory, but in practice, a lot of things can go wrong in the moment, including:
- I’m enthusiastic, so you must be, too!
- What do you mean you’re not that into me?
- Oh, come on, just give it a try. You might like it.
- We’ve gone this far, why not keep going?
- Whine, bitch, moan, complain.
One way to deal with that potential--and very common--issue of overstepped boundaries or consent in the moment is for people to play well within their boundaries so the consequences of overstepped expressed boundaries are not so severe as overstepped actual boundaries.
At its best, openness allows for different levels of play with different people. Everyone gets their needs met and nobody depends on a singular person to fill those needs, so there’s no need for pressure. But what’s the difference between pressure and encouragement to expand one’s horizons into activities that might be fun, and if not fun, never have to be experienced again? The kind of pressure expressed in lines 1-5 only seem problematic to society if in the context of sex, rather than, say, going on a hike or some other means of expanding horizons. I prefer to have partners I trust to go to the edge of what I’m comfortable with around them and not further. As with most activities, going just to the edge of a comfort zone builds skills safely and efficiently. It just seems hard for some people to believe that the edge with them may be different than what constitutes the edge with a different person. Or that someone else's edge may be different from their own.
My secondary seems to have a good way to get around that, and it’s quite the opposite of reactions 1-5 above. It gets him a lot of action. He sets boundaries early on, either his own boundaries (I’d like to get in bed and snuggle with clothes on), and sometimes a partner’s boundaries (don’t let me kiss you!). And then he sticks to them. Even if his partner’s boundaries seem to move in the moment, his never do.
“Nope. You said not to let you kiss me. And I won’t.” It drives them crazy. And yet, it feels safe enough to allow them to come off their guard. If they still feel like kissing well after the cuddle session is over, new rules can get negotiated for the next session. And they’ll be darned sure to want a next session. There’s no “what was I thinking? Why did I do something so stupid?” moment. All they remember is they want more. And they come back for it.
Part of being open allows for culturally inappropriate behavior with friends. The assumption of sex is there, and it sometimes happens. But sometimes, it’s just nice to get an inappropriately long vertical clothing-on hug.
*******
Questions or comments? I’ve got opinions! Try my at polysaturated@rocketmail.com.
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