Honesty and Fantasy

The #1 trick to open relationships (and all relationships), according to all the published sources: open and honest communication.
One of many, many complaints from Miss Manners in her Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior: there’s a paucity of married couples in this world who don’t want complete honesty.

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I’m a little sad to admit it, but: love is based on fiction.

OK, so that’s not entirely true.  I’ve never told someone I loved them and didn’t mean it, even if I mean different things when I say it to different people (interestingly, I have told people in the past that I loved them and can honestly not remember that feeling now, but I’m certain I did then.  Different blog post about the tricks of memory later).  And I love all those people I love for very concrete reasons, some of which I can articulate, and some of which I can’t.  The emotional connection is no less real if I have a hard time expressing it in words.

But I’m finding myself agreeing a bit with Miss Manners here.  Love, that love that makes you blissful, involves a bit of fantasy.  Or at least a bit of holding back the complete truth.

Maybe there’s more fantasy involved in monogamous love than the polyamorous (I’ve never been interested in anyone but you.  Translation: I’ve been interested in other people, but not to the point of bothering you, or not to the point of risking the discomfort of rejection to pursue it when I’m so comfortable/happy/satisfied with you).  But I think polyamorous love can benefit from a bit of fantasy kindness as well.

When does one insist on complete, open, and honest communication, and when does one let something slide?

As a starting point here are my rules:

1. If you know your lover already understands a negative message and they’re doing something about it, quit expressing it.  So they’ve got a bit of a paunch and have started a new diet/exercise program to get rid of it.  You can measure every day and pass judgement, good or bad (quote from my infinitely wise non-spousal primary: tying love to performance is a recipe for lifelong anxiety), or you can just support their efforts even during the inevitable backslide.  Once your lover understands there’s a problem and has a process in place to fix it, any verbal reference to the problem is going to shift that to the front of their attention and make it seem insurmountable, or just remind them of it and pull a dark cloud over their heads.  And then you get to deal with the aftermath, which has never been in my best interest.  Depending on their strength of character, they’re either going to keep working full speed ahead while they’re in a bad mood, or give up.  Either way, repeated harping is no source of motivation.  If it’s an annoying habit they have that you would both like to get rid of, I find a light physical touch helpful right when it happens.  A good lover can tell the meaning of what you’re saying there, without hurtful words or the rest of the world knowing what’s going on between you.
2. If it’s going to hurt their feelings and they can’t do anything about it, keep it to yourself.  What if it’s something your lover has no control over?  A medical condition that bothers you, or an aspect of your personality or behavior that bothers them?  Once again, if both of you already get the message, there’s little benefit in rehashing it.  What are they supposed to do about the fact that them being on chemo is hard for you?  Either hire extra help or push through or come up with a creative solution for yourself--they’ve got bigger problems than that, and a kind lover will spare them the additional mental burden.  Or what can they do about disliking someone of whom you’re fond?  You can be sensitive and keep them separated, or you can be a jerk and rub it in their faces.  No amount of expressing your love for someone they dislike is going to endear them to each other, or particularly endear them to you.  If one of these things becomes a dealbreaker, though, skip to Rule #4.
3. If you as a couple/triad/loving unit need some tough feedback and somebody freaks out about receiving it, give them the feedback anyway (usually).  Negative feedback is tough to take, and we all get it from time to time.  If the consequence is that the recipient freaks out, try a kinder or softer tack next time (but stop to think if Rule #1 applies first).  Often it’s worth it to keep giving the message (unless they ask you to stop--I have a safeword for mental pain as well as physical, and it turns out I use the mental safeword more often).  Sometimes the freakout is temporary, or just their way to process the information.  Then your lover gets themselves through the negative reaction to make the requested improvements, and you’re back to Rule #1.  Sometimes the freakout seems permanent, and then you’ve got a decision on your hands.  Does the problem occur with all feedback with no subsequent change in behavior such that you take what you get in the relationship and it becomes a done deal as is?  If so, is that the exact relationship you want for the time being?  You might as well keep giving feedback to see if your lover ever gets the message, as people may get desensitized when they realize negative feedback doesn’t come with withdrawal of love (I only suggest this if you’re willing to risk losing the relationship, as there’s the very real possibility that they’ll never get that message, and one of you is going to snap).  Or is that just a topic that’s a trigger point, and you’re back to Rule #2?
4. If there’s a dealbreaker afoot, tell them so they can decide what to do based on their own priorities.  My secondary suggested this rule based on my lovers’ general surprise if and when I dump them, and I like it so much I request it of everybody.  There are many, many things that I value in life.  Some of them are my lovers, and some of them are aspects of my personality.  If an aspect of my personality is a dealbreaker for one of my lovers, I’d like to know.  That way, I can make an attempt to change something, or at least make an honest assessment of what I value most in my life.  It’s just kind; if I get dumped, it’s with my own permission based on something I’m unwilling to change.  The big problem I have about cheating in seemingly monogamous relationships is that it robs the person cheated on of information that they could use to make their own autonomous decisions.
5. Tell them the first time something goes wrong, so they can fix it before it becomes a habit.  Here’s an embarrassingly common conversation: “That’s never bothered you before!”  Pause.  “Well, it did, but I just didn’t tell you before.”  Realizing that your behavior made it to a tipping point beyond what someone could tolerate isn’t fun.  Getting the information early--preferably the first time a behavior happens--turns it into a quirk of about your lover rather than a problem or a perceived flaw in yourself.  Even an established lover can seem new and exciting in light of new information, and that can mitigate the negativity of what might otherwise be a complaint.  Plus, just as getting a heads up about a dealbreaker, getting information about an annoying habit early on makes one feel like they’re in control of the decisions about their behavior.  Maybe I wouldn't try this on the first date, though.
6. Don’t make a complaint about someone you aren’t willing to make to their faces.  Lovers are loyal like older siblings; we may complain about their quirks, but as soon as someone else makes the same complaint, we’re fiercely protective.  It doesn’t feel good to hear complaints about a lover, and I try to only complaints to a lover about my meta-lover if I’m requesting help in effecting a change in my relationship with a meta-lover (keep in mind--change takes two, and it's not fair to ask the change to be all through them).  By help, I mean either using my lover as a mediator between myself and my meta-lover, or feedback on how to best get a message across to them (after all, they know their own lovers’ triggers and personalities better than I do).  I don’t mean I won’t make a complaint that I don’t want to make to my meta-lover’s face myself; sometimes, I’m trying to recruit my lover to give the message, and that counts to me as making a complaint to someone’s face.  Still, I’m careful with that option.  There’s a subtle difference between asking a lover to do dirty work for you, or trying to turn your lover against your meta-lover, and honestly trying to find the kindest way to give a tough message.

There’s certainly some ambiguity about which rules apply to which situations, and the rules can apply differently to a situation as time passes.  And as with any rules, these are just some suggestions of mine based on what works for me.  There are at least as many sets of relationship rules as there are relationships, although many times the implicit rules are assumed rather than communicated.

In which case, a bit of open and honest communication works well to complement the fantasy.

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Questions or comments?  I’ve got opinions!  Try me at polysaturated@rocketmail.com.