Secondary: I want to go on a date with you in New York.
Me: Why would you want to do that? Your idea of vacation is camping.
Secondary: But you went with your spouse. And with your non-spousal primary. And you had fun both times.
Me: There’s no reason for you to be either of them.
Secondary: True, but I can incorporate their talents into my own behavior.
*****
Non-spousal primary (complaining, tounge-in cheek): Poly watched the movie, the one I got her excited about, with her spouse and not with me.
Monogamous friend (also tonge-in-cheek): See? That’s the trouble with polyamory. You can’t do everything with everyone. And then tempers flare.
Me: Hey! I’d watch that movie twice!
*****
I have a favorite thing to do with lovers, and it’s the same thing with every one of them: whatever they really enjoy doing.
Many of the people I’ve heard described as good lovers are reaction junkies, meaning they get pleasure out of making their lover happy. Doesn’t matter what they’re doing, as long as their partner is having a good time, they’re having fun. Same applies to fun times out of bed.
People seem to enjoy doing what they’re good at. And I enjoy watching my lovers show off. When they’re in flow, when they’re doing something they’re really comfortable with, their faces look relaxed and happy. Their bodies move in easy, aesthetically pleasing ways. If it’s an activity that requires a bit of skill, I’m perfectly happy lacking the skill, being on the very steep end of the learning curve, learning something about my lover, and landing flat on my behind if it’s a skill requiring balance or motion, as long as I get to watch my lover show off, have a good time, and maybe teach me a thing or two.
I’ve historically claimed to hate horror movies. In truth, I had no experience with them beyond the age of 7, and knowing my declared distaste, my spouse never asked me to watch one with him. And then comes a new lover into my life (who eventually works up to non-spousal primary status), who, knowing none of this, drags me off to the theater to see a new horror show. Turns out, it was good. By going with someone knowledgeable in the subject, I ended up only seeing the high quality shows rather than getting stuck doing research on my own, with no basis for comparison. And he was able to talk about the new movie in an interesting historical context. Turns out, there’s a particular mindset that makes the experience fun, and I got to experience that mindset in the seat next to me.
So do I like horror films? Not at 7 with my parents. But with someone who can really augment the experience, they’re fantastic!
So when my non-spousal primary got excited about a new film, I was pretty sure it was going to be good. And if my spouse is going to share me with other lovers, he might as well get the benefit of my resulting broader experience. So yes, I went to see my lover’s recommendation with my spouse. And it turns out I had a great time with my spouse, too.
So did my non-spousal primary get the stiff, for not getting to see a movie as a fresh experience with me, after he did all of the legwork to get me interested in the genre? Yeah, well. I never claimed polyamory is perfect. But most experience depends so greatly on the company, that I really am happy to see it twice!
On the other hand, if the quality of the experience depends on the company, sometimes I’ll very happily do something with one set of people, and not with another. So yes, I love New York. If I’m with someone who thrives off of crowds and loud energy, I’m going to have a glorious time. If I’m there on a Friday night with someone who’s sensitive to the smell of trash day, I’m going to get a lot less out of it.
And I love camping, if it’s with someone who’s told me what to pack and knows the way to the beautiful, secluded sites. If it’s with someone who likes a shower before bed (or sleep in a bed, for that matter), it’s a lot less fun.
So in an ideal world, polyamory can help expand horizons to build skills and broaden experience. It can also allow one party in a relationship to bug out of unpleasant experiences guilt-free, if their partner can find someone else to accompany them instead. On the other extreme, it can lead to competition and hurt feelings (as can any number of monogamous activities).
Oh, wait--when my lovers compete, I win.
*******
Questions or comments? I've got opinions! Try me at polysaturated@rocketmail.com.
Me: Why would you want to do that? Your idea of vacation is camping.
Secondary: But you went with your spouse. And with your non-spousal primary. And you had fun both times.
Me: There’s no reason for you to be either of them.
Secondary: True, but I can incorporate their talents into my own behavior.
*****
Non-spousal primary (complaining, tounge-in cheek): Poly watched the movie, the one I got her excited about, with her spouse and not with me.
Monogamous friend (also tonge-in-cheek): See? That’s the trouble with polyamory. You can’t do everything with everyone. And then tempers flare.
Me: Hey! I’d watch that movie twice!
*****
I have a favorite thing to do with lovers, and it’s the same thing with every one of them: whatever they really enjoy doing.
Many of the people I’ve heard described as good lovers are reaction junkies, meaning they get pleasure out of making their lover happy. Doesn’t matter what they’re doing, as long as their partner is having a good time, they’re having fun. Same applies to fun times out of bed.
People seem to enjoy doing what they’re good at. And I enjoy watching my lovers show off. When they’re in flow, when they’re doing something they’re really comfortable with, their faces look relaxed and happy. Their bodies move in easy, aesthetically pleasing ways. If it’s an activity that requires a bit of skill, I’m perfectly happy lacking the skill, being on the very steep end of the learning curve, learning something about my lover, and landing flat on my behind if it’s a skill requiring balance or motion, as long as I get to watch my lover show off, have a good time, and maybe teach me a thing or two.
I’ve historically claimed to hate horror movies. In truth, I had no experience with them beyond the age of 7, and knowing my declared distaste, my spouse never asked me to watch one with him. And then comes a new lover into my life (who eventually works up to non-spousal primary status), who, knowing none of this, drags me off to the theater to see a new horror show. Turns out, it was good. By going with someone knowledgeable in the subject, I ended up only seeing the high quality shows rather than getting stuck doing research on my own, with no basis for comparison. And he was able to talk about the new movie in an interesting historical context. Turns out, there’s a particular mindset that makes the experience fun, and I got to experience that mindset in the seat next to me.
So do I like horror films? Not at 7 with my parents. But with someone who can really augment the experience, they’re fantastic!
So when my non-spousal primary got excited about a new film, I was pretty sure it was going to be good. And if my spouse is going to share me with other lovers, he might as well get the benefit of my resulting broader experience. So yes, I went to see my lover’s recommendation with my spouse. And it turns out I had a great time with my spouse, too.
So did my non-spousal primary get the stiff, for not getting to see a movie as a fresh experience with me, after he did all of the legwork to get me interested in the genre? Yeah, well. I never claimed polyamory is perfect. But most experience depends so greatly on the company, that I really am happy to see it twice!
On the other hand, if the quality of the experience depends on the company, sometimes I’ll very happily do something with one set of people, and not with another. So yes, I love New York. If I’m with someone who thrives off of crowds and loud energy, I’m going to have a glorious time. If I’m there on a Friday night with someone who’s sensitive to the smell of trash day, I’m going to get a lot less out of it.
And I love camping, if it’s with someone who’s told me what to pack and knows the way to the beautiful, secluded sites. If it’s with someone who likes a shower before bed (or sleep in a bed, for that matter), it’s a lot less fun.
So in an ideal world, polyamory can help expand horizons to build skills and broaden experience. It can also allow one party in a relationship to bug out of unpleasant experiences guilt-free, if their partner can find someone else to accompany them instead. On the other extreme, it can lead to competition and hurt feelings (as can any number of monogamous activities).
Oh, wait--when my lovers compete, I win.
*******
Questions or comments? I've got opinions! Try me at polysaturated@rocketmail.com.
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