Girlthing: Would you prefer your meta-lover to be just like you, or a complete opposite?
Me: (pause)
Me: (pause)
Me: (pause, scrunching face) I have no idea!
*****
What makes one feel secure about a lover’s choice in other lover? What has the opposite effect?
As always, it depends on the people involved.
An ex of mine ended up marrying someone who looked almost exactly like me. The new version of me was a bit shorter, a bit wider, and had ears that stuck out a bit more, but the physical resemblance was clear. Nothing could have made me feel more secure (if I were aiming for “security” in a relationship with an ex). The message I got was that he was aiming, physically, for something like me, and I didn’t even have to be ideal in conventional attractiveness for him to appreciate my features.
Still, we broke up and never saw each other again, quite happily. So what happens if a current lover chooses someone exactly like you?
The assumption can be exactly the same: clearly, my lover goes for [insert salient feature here]. I have that in abundance. Therefore, my lover is interested in me.
Or, the opposite can creep in: my lover isn’t getting enough of [insert salient feature here] and has to go else where to get more. Or better. Extra bonus points if the features of the lover seem better to the casual observer, or to the insecure lover.
My girlthing’s spouse has no interest in me. Why would he? He’d get a darker-haired, less flexible, less well-read person who doesn’t know him as well in his bed. Bo-ring!
Most of my boythings, on the other hand... let’s just say that have fantastic taste. Does that make me insecure? Well, no. But that may be because I have the same crush. And she seems to like me, too.
Having a lover reject someone who’s almost like you, but not quite good enough, is probably wonderful for security. But there’s also the novelty factor: this person is a lot like you, maybe not quite as pleasing to me as you, but is new to me. Novelty incites a lot of interest for a lot of people, and if you get to combine that sweet spot of novelty with a bit of familiarity, I might be willing to put up with a few less-than-ideal features to experience the adrenaline rush of novelty with someone who’s got some features I already know I like (because I’ve tested them).
Then again, what happens to the new person when the novelty wears off? Well, they’re either out on the street, or I discover new and wonderful features about them that make them work keeping around. Honesty in intention might be the best way to spare feelings for the new person ("you are an experiment for me, and I may just want the experience once," can be refreshing to hear).
Then again, I seem to recall having flat out told my spouse that he’d never get into my pants, so I’m pretty wary of managing expectations. Doing so has made me look like the fool.
So what happens if a lover takes on a new lover who’s the complete opposite of you?
On the one hand, it can be annoying. You like that? But that’s so far out of the realm of what I give you! Are you going to prefer those other features, the ones that are opposite of mine, and dump me over it?
On the other hand, it can be refreshing. Dan Savage is always going on about how freeing it is to have an outside kinky partner to fill needs not met in an otherwise perfect but fairly vanilla relationship with one kinky partner. The same can apply more generally to any preferences. Are you always dragging your lover off to a ball game? Some people have friends to fill that need. Some people have outside lovers. I, personally, find it liberating to have guilt-free time to pursue my own goals while me lovers are off with someone else at a party whose theme or guest list I’m not into.
So in short, rather than try to predict beforehand (especially in a newly-open couple), I might suggest to try it and see. The unruly pheromones of attraction are just as unpredictable in a meta-lover relationship as they are in a lover-to-lover one (admittedly, given the above, I may have less predictive ability of a new lover’s/friend’s long-term potential than most), and trying to pin them down to find the perfect meta-lover for your primary may very well lead to frustration and failure. The key, as with anything in polyamory (or monogamy) is open and honest communication, preferably starting early on in the courtship process, listening with respect and tolerance, and a willingness to consider creative solutions.
*****
Questions, comments, or insights? I’m here for you. Try me at polysaturated@rocketmail.com.
Me: (pause)
Me: (pause)
Me: (pause, scrunching face) I have no idea!
*****
What makes one feel secure about a lover’s choice in other lover? What has the opposite effect?
As always, it depends on the people involved.
An ex of mine ended up marrying someone who looked almost exactly like me. The new version of me was a bit shorter, a bit wider, and had ears that stuck out a bit more, but the physical resemblance was clear. Nothing could have made me feel more secure (if I were aiming for “security” in a relationship with an ex). The message I got was that he was aiming, physically, for something like me, and I didn’t even have to be ideal in conventional attractiveness for him to appreciate my features.
Still, we broke up and never saw each other again, quite happily. So what happens if a current lover chooses someone exactly like you?
The assumption can be exactly the same: clearly, my lover goes for [insert salient feature here]. I have that in abundance. Therefore, my lover is interested in me.
Or, the opposite can creep in: my lover isn’t getting enough of [insert salient feature here] and has to go else where to get more. Or better. Extra bonus points if the features of the lover seem better to the casual observer, or to the insecure lover.
My girlthing’s spouse has no interest in me. Why would he? He’d get a darker-haired, less flexible, less well-read person who doesn’t know him as well in his bed. Bo-ring!
Most of my boythings, on the other hand... let’s just say that have fantastic taste. Does that make me insecure? Well, no. But that may be because I have the same crush. And she seems to like me, too.
Having a lover reject someone who’s almost like you, but not quite good enough, is probably wonderful for security. But there’s also the novelty factor: this person is a lot like you, maybe not quite as pleasing to me as you, but is new to me. Novelty incites a lot of interest for a lot of people, and if you get to combine that sweet spot of novelty with a bit of familiarity, I might be willing to put up with a few less-than-ideal features to experience the adrenaline rush of novelty with someone who’s got some features I already know I like (because I’ve tested them).
Then again, what happens to the new person when the novelty wears off? Well, they’re either out on the street, or I discover new and wonderful features about them that make them work keeping around. Honesty in intention might be the best way to spare feelings for the new person ("you are an experiment for me, and I may just want the experience once," can be refreshing to hear).
Then again, I seem to recall having flat out told my spouse that he’d never get into my pants, so I’m pretty wary of managing expectations. Doing so has made me look like the fool.
So what happens if a lover takes on a new lover who’s the complete opposite of you?
On the one hand, it can be annoying. You like that? But that’s so far out of the realm of what I give you! Are you going to prefer those other features, the ones that are opposite of mine, and dump me over it?
On the other hand, it can be refreshing. Dan Savage is always going on about how freeing it is to have an outside kinky partner to fill needs not met in an otherwise perfect but fairly vanilla relationship with one kinky partner. The same can apply more generally to any preferences. Are you always dragging your lover off to a ball game? Some people have friends to fill that need. Some people have outside lovers. I, personally, find it liberating to have guilt-free time to pursue my own goals while me lovers are off with someone else at a party whose theme or guest list I’m not into.
So in short, rather than try to predict beforehand (especially in a newly-open couple), I might suggest to try it and see. The unruly pheromones of attraction are just as unpredictable in a meta-lover relationship as they are in a lover-to-lover one (admittedly, given the above, I may have less predictive ability of a new lover’s/friend’s long-term potential than most), and trying to pin them down to find the perfect meta-lover for your primary may very well lead to frustration and failure. The key, as with anything in polyamory (or monogamy) is open and honest communication, preferably starting early on in the courtship process, listening with respect and tolerance, and a willingness to consider creative solutions.
*****
Questions, comments, or insights? I’m here for you. Try me at polysaturated@rocketmail.com.
Well, "no interest" definitely isn't right. I don't see you as THAT similar, and I see some of your differences as attractive... although it's true that, if I was looking for a secondary, I'd probably see (some of) the similarities as a drawback.
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