Love is based on trust.
Blah, blah, blah, how many times have I heard that one before?
Right now, I’m thinking about trust for my lovers to protect their own boundaries. The bottom line is I can’t trust someone who doesn’t say no when that’s the right answer.
It’s fun to please a lover. But sometimes it’s done at one’s own expense. At what point does the pleasure of having a happy lover overcome a personal preference, and at what point are boundaries best enforced?
There are consequences for me if a lover has boundaries that I don’t know about and that are not effectively communicated beforehand, or at least in the moment. It’s amazing how effectively a fantastic memory can be ruined by a comment, “you know that awesome fuckaree we had a while back? Well, I wasn’t cool with it.”
How do we get into such situations in a lifestyle that values a culture of consent?
One of the first friends I had to describe his open relationship to me called it, “open but lazy.” In theory, he and his wife were perfectly all right with extracurricular sexual activities. In practice, they just didn’t get around to it. What they did get around to doing, though, was describing possible scenarios and gauging each other’s reactions to them. They spent years describing hypothetical situations, thinking about their boundaries, and communicating them. It was really an exercise in communication (or fantasy play, which can be sexy in itself), but the result was that by the time any possibility for extracurricular sex came about, they were each so clear on the others’ expectations, desires, and probable reactions that there was no need to check in. Unless, of course, the expressed boundary was to the effect of, “I’m fine with that, as long as you check in.”
But sexual opportunities, at least for me, tend to be a complete surprise (maybe this would be different if I were specifically engineering them myself), and there are usually a few people whose reactions I’d like to get before deciding how to proceed. In an effort to be GGG, the answer I get from my lovers when I ask about a novel situation is usually, “yes.” If you’ve got an opportunity, go for it! That’s fun in the moment, but with very few exceptions, a novel or unusual sexual experience isn’t worth a later admission by a lover who was not happy.
What is more fun is to hear is, “no” before things get out of hand. Or at least “not yet.” That leads to clear expectations and protocols and an experience that everyone’s happy with. Or at least reasonably happy with. I’ve found it’s a lot less painful to not get what I want (there are a great many things I want that I don’t have) than to be forced to put up with what I specifically don’t want (a rare and strong discomfort). Plus, honoring a lover’s wishes is sexy.
So my friend’s policy of communicating boundaries ad nauseam, while it may seem impractical and have very little basis in defining actual opportunities, is a good one for getting effective and clear consent. It’s much harder to actually know what your--or a lover’s--boundaries are in the exact moment an unexpected and time-sensitive opportunity arises (“quick! Tell me if I can do it now!”).
As mentioned, it’s hard for me to trust a lover who doesn’t say no. If I know my lover is strong enough to not let me run them over with my request, I have the freedom to ask interesting questions, plan unusual scenarios, and feel out opportunities. The result can be some fantastic and memorable experiences. This might take asking for feedback far enough in advance to really allow my lover to think about their boundaries before giving me an answer. Or it may take a lover who’s exceptionally self-aware, which is convenient but hopefully not necessary for a great connection.
Based on my previous experience with implied consent that’s been rescinded, I’ve overcommunicated to my girlthing what sorts of things I’m interested in trying out. She calls it “pushing her boundaries” (although she’s very nice about it). I may call it planting ideas that may happen very far in the future, so she’ll have plenty of time to think about what she does and does not want out of me. That way, I can act accordingly before I tick her off.
The other option, if I don’t know where my lover’s boundaries are, is to play conservatively. There’s nothing wrong with that kind of approach, and it’s the idealized approach favored by a society that values monogamy or the appearance of monogamy. The only danger in that case is missing a great opportunity. Or at least an opportunity to learn something. We miss opportunities all the time, so that’s not a terrible consequence (usually). It’s just that life seems to be better if hard decisions are made well with adequate input and good opportunities are taken without regret.
So good thing most “monogamous” coupled people I know are well aware of the celebrities they’re allowed fun times with.
*****
Questions or comments? Try me! polysaturated@rocketmail.com
Blah, blah, blah, how many times have I heard that one before?
Right now, I’m thinking about trust for my lovers to protect their own boundaries. The bottom line is I can’t trust someone who doesn’t say no when that’s the right answer.
It’s fun to please a lover. But sometimes it’s done at one’s own expense. At what point does the pleasure of having a happy lover overcome a personal preference, and at what point are boundaries best enforced?
There are consequences for me if a lover has boundaries that I don’t know about and that are not effectively communicated beforehand, or at least in the moment. It’s amazing how effectively a fantastic memory can be ruined by a comment, “you know that awesome fuckaree we had a while back? Well, I wasn’t cool with it.”
How do we get into such situations in a lifestyle that values a culture of consent?
One of the first friends I had to describe his open relationship to me called it, “open but lazy.” In theory, he and his wife were perfectly all right with extracurricular sexual activities. In practice, they just didn’t get around to it. What they did get around to doing, though, was describing possible scenarios and gauging each other’s reactions to them. They spent years describing hypothetical situations, thinking about their boundaries, and communicating them. It was really an exercise in communication (or fantasy play, which can be sexy in itself), but the result was that by the time any possibility for extracurricular sex came about, they were each so clear on the others’ expectations, desires, and probable reactions that there was no need to check in. Unless, of course, the expressed boundary was to the effect of, “I’m fine with that, as long as you check in.”
But sexual opportunities, at least for me, tend to be a complete surprise (maybe this would be different if I were specifically engineering them myself), and there are usually a few people whose reactions I’d like to get before deciding how to proceed. In an effort to be GGG, the answer I get from my lovers when I ask about a novel situation is usually, “yes.” If you’ve got an opportunity, go for it! That’s fun in the moment, but with very few exceptions, a novel or unusual sexual experience isn’t worth a later admission by a lover who was not happy.
What is more fun is to hear is, “no” before things get out of hand. Or at least “not yet.” That leads to clear expectations and protocols and an experience that everyone’s happy with. Or at least reasonably happy with. I’ve found it’s a lot less painful to not get what I want (there are a great many things I want that I don’t have) than to be forced to put up with what I specifically don’t want (a rare and strong discomfort). Plus, honoring a lover’s wishes is sexy.
So my friend’s policy of communicating boundaries ad nauseam, while it may seem impractical and have very little basis in defining actual opportunities, is a good one for getting effective and clear consent. It’s much harder to actually know what your--or a lover’s--boundaries are in the exact moment an unexpected and time-sensitive opportunity arises (“quick! Tell me if I can do it now!”).
As mentioned, it’s hard for me to trust a lover who doesn’t say no. If I know my lover is strong enough to not let me run them over with my request, I have the freedom to ask interesting questions, plan unusual scenarios, and feel out opportunities. The result can be some fantastic and memorable experiences. This might take asking for feedback far enough in advance to really allow my lover to think about their boundaries before giving me an answer. Or it may take a lover who’s exceptionally self-aware, which is convenient but hopefully not necessary for a great connection.
Based on my previous experience with implied consent that’s been rescinded, I’ve overcommunicated to my girlthing what sorts of things I’m interested in trying out. She calls it “pushing her boundaries” (although she’s very nice about it). I may call it planting ideas that may happen very far in the future, so she’ll have plenty of time to think about what she does and does not want out of me. That way, I can act accordingly before I tick her off.
The other option, if I don’t know where my lover’s boundaries are, is to play conservatively. There’s nothing wrong with that kind of approach, and it’s the idealized approach favored by a society that values monogamy or the appearance of monogamy. The only danger in that case is missing a great opportunity. Or at least an opportunity to learn something. We miss opportunities all the time, so that’s not a terrible consequence (usually). It’s just that life seems to be better if hard decisions are made well with adequate input and good opportunities are taken without regret.
So good thing most “monogamous” coupled people I know are well aware of the celebrities they’re allowed fun times with.
*****
Questions or comments? Try me! polysaturated@rocketmail.com
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