I get this one a lot: Open relationships sound intriguing (or neat, or interesting, or insert any number of mildly positive adjectives here), but it would never work for me.
Let me first point out that I think that's fine. Or neat, or interesting, or intriguing. Especially if you're coming from a place of living within existing social and cultural ideals (I specifically call them ideals rather than norms, because a fair number of people who think they are in happy monogamous relationships are in fact simply ignorant of the openness of their relationship). If you're coming from a place of actual, thoughtful, and heart-felt self-awareness, I think that's fantastic. There are as many ways to conduct a relationship as there are individual relationships, and it's up to you to optimize yours (singular or plural).
And if you're considering, or just curious about the thought process, I would like to enumerate some of the advantages that open relationships have. I was told when I got started and agree wholeheartedly: open relationships are harder than monogamous ones. But if done carefully, they can be much stronger. Here's how:
(1) The stress of having to be the one, absolute, true, and perfect love for another independent individual is gone. No more going along for the ride because you know your lover likes mountain climbing and you're afraid of heights--but more afraid they'd leave you for someone else if you never went. It sounds simple, and for some activities, the concept holds for monogamy (I hope everyone has permission to at least go out independently with Platonic friends). But opening up physical aspects of romantic relationships can also reduce pressure in the bedroom. The most common example is when kinks are not perfectly compatible (and whose are?). Isn't it nice to outsource the activities you're less into?
(2) Relatedly, people learn things better and more efficiently if multiple teachers are involved. More varied experience with sex results in better sex. At worst, it results in greater appreciation for the primary partner. This counts both for training your partner and for getting new ideas yourself. A common complaint in monogamous relationships is that sex gets routine (I'm in no way saying that's a bad thing! Knowing how to push a partner's buttons and instant gratification can be wonderful), and there's nothing like a new practical experience to infuse some creativity into the process.
Once again, education applies outside of the bedroom, too. I drink way better cocktails due to one lover and way better coffee because of another.
(3) Variety. I don't even think that one needs clarification. I can't think of anyone above the age of 10 who likes to do or think or wear or read or watch anything to the exclusion of all others, even if it is their favorite.
(4) External validation. You know how, in a long-term relationship, praise and appreciation from your partner start to mean less and less because you think they're either biased, or busy, or just saying things to make you happy? People get energy when new people click with them.
This is another one of those things that doesn't have to be physical. Great connections with new people don't have to go very far to infuse energy into someone, and this energy can be transferred to their relationship(s). It's just that some people find it extremely validating to be chosen sexually.
(5) External correction. On the opposite side from (4), people have quirks. Some quirks are charming, some are innocuous, and some would really benefit from being changed. Reproducible reprimands from a long-term relationship partner either become grating if they turn to nagging, or they may only apply to the partner and not to the outside world. Having multiple people who are emotionally close enough to weigh in on the subject can clarify matters.
(6) My last benefit on this list is a bit subtle, but an attitude of openness reduces what I think of as the culture of rejection in monogamy. People looking for their single lifetime monogamous partner tend to have a list of deal-breakers, and dating can become a chore of looking for negatives instead of appreciating positive attributes. Sure, there are many reasons people don't get along, and they can take a while to surface. But life is less stressful if you're not looking for problems in someone else or seeking out someone who may be "better" than your partner, as if humans can be quantified. And here we've come full circle; let me refer you to reason (1) and point out that anything you need in a partner that a particular lover doesn't have might show up in someone else with whom you click. Then you can have the best of all worlds, and nobody gets rejected.
More fun thoughts on why (and some practicalities on how) to choose openness can be found more verbosely in The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy.
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