It takes a lot of security in a relationship to open it up.
New relationship energy (NRE, in poly-speak; puppy love in common parlance) from an established partner towards a different (presumably newer) partner can be incredibly scary. People experiencing NRE only see the new partner’s best qualities, and they tend to obsessively think and talk about the new partner, even around established ones or perfect strangers whose polite smiles and nods are taken as interest in the subject (confidential to all of my former monogamous lovers: I knew when you were in crush with someone else. You did not hide it well. Funny that I did not mind very much). It can be a hard thing for even a secure established partner to take, let alone someone who’s at all nervous about their status in a relationship. NRE never lasts forever, though there are some tricks to augment or bring it back (sounds like a blog post, but in short: have adventures with your established lovers, and the newness of the situation will make the relationship seem new), which may be good news for the established lover. But new relationships, even non-romantic ones, pop up all the time, and it might help to have reasonable expectations or techniques to mitigate damage in the context of an open relationship.
To quote someone else who would prefer not to be named: people sometimes mistake monogamy for intimacy. Monogamy is (among other things, some very positive) a method of dealing with insecurity, potentially by ignoring, suppressing, or downright disallowing it. Sometimes the result is hiding situations that can inspire insecurity. Monogamous relationship models certainly can include intimacy. Something to keep in mind, though, is that intimacy is hard. Truly understanding and appreciating the unflattering either in or from a partner is not easy. Many things that are not easy are well worth the hard work. Others require hard work and ultimately result in failure; working towards true intimacy can be a high-risk, high-reward scenario. Ideally, intimacy begets inclusion; two (or more) people who truly understand, appreciate, and know each other. One way to highlight inclusion is by the exclusion of others. Indeed, any two people who truly connect have some sort of unique attachment that is not shared with any outside partner, no matter how intimate. However, the converse is not necessarily true; not every exclusion comes with inclusion of something else, hence the “mistake” of equating monogamy for intimacy.
What is it that we’re afraid of from non-monogamy? Ultimately, the fear is of loss of some kind. Time can be lost to someone else, and a great excuse for continuing monogamy (in fact, an excuse that I’ve used myself) is that people in love may feel like they don’t get enough time with each other. Why contribute to the problem by spending even less time with a monogamous partner in order to open up the relationship to others?
I’ve mentioned this before, but the answer for me has to do with quality of time spent. Just like anything in life, a little outside perspective and exploration can add a lot of value to a long-term operation (it’s no coincidence that intellectual thrillers show the great insight coming during the shower scene), and I’m happy to relinquish a quantity of time for improved quality, even if any process of changing takes a bit of getting used to.
And time does not necessarily equal security. I’m certainly willing to admit that I was incredibly lucky to have had a fantastic decade-plus closed relationship to overflow my psyche with security in that relationship and to warm me up to the idea of opening up. But timing is different for everyone, and a decade is a long time to wait for most goals (if opening up a monogamous relationship is indeed anyone’s goal).
I suppose we can be afraid of being devalued or no longer valued, and that is indeed a risk. In an ideal world, more people in a lover’s life simply add to one’s own life (by contributing energy, or ideas, or resources), and don’t take anything away. The truth is, I can think off the top of my head of two people whose spaces in my heart have been replaced by new lovers who have simply fit my needs better. Switching lovers out, even only emotional lovers, was indeed selfish of me, though one might argue that finding someone open and honest to “replace” someone who would be cheating if involved with me is generally good for society (even with that caveat, I switched lovers for my own benefit, and with no logical thought on my own part).
All of my lovers are my favorites, for one reason or another. In some cases, I can articulate the reason, and sometimes it’s just a nebulous feeling I get about the entire package. In practicality, though, I find myself uninspired by a fantastic all-around person who doesn’t somehow also shine as a uniquely bright spot in my life (some people call that "chemistry"). One of the tricks to obtaining and maintaining security in a relationship may be to find, acknowledge, and cultivate that bright spot in your lovers and other people. Frequent mention or appreciation of those bright spots seems to help. As does constant effort for improvement to keep those spots shining brightly on the other side.
*******
Questions or comments? I've got opinions. Try my at polysaturated@rocketmail.com.
New relationship energy (NRE, in poly-speak; puppy love in common parlance) from an established partner towards a different (presumably newer) partner can be incredibly scary. People experiencing NRE only see the new partner’s best qualities, and they tend to obsessively think and talk about the new partner, even around established ones or perfect strangers whose polite smiles and nods are taken as interest in the subject (confidential to all of my former monogamous lovers: I knew when you were in crush with someone else. You did not hide it well. Funny that I did not mind very much). It can be a hard thing for even a secure established partner to take, let alone someone who’s at all nervous about their status in a relationship. NRE never lasts forever, though there are some tricks to augment or bring it back (sounds like a blog post, but in short: have adventures with your established lovers, and the newness of the situation will make the relationship seem new), which may be good news for the established lover. But new relationships, even non-romantic ones, pop up all the time, and it might help to have reasonable expectations or techniques to mitigate damage in the context of an open relationship.
To quote someone else who would prefer not to be named: people sometimes mistake monogamy for intimacy. Monogamy is (among other things, some very positive) a method of dealing with insecurity, potentially by ignoring, suppressing, or downright disallowing it. Sometimes the result is hiding situations that can inspire insecurity. Monogamous relationship models certainly can include intimacy. Something to keep in mind, though, is that intimacy is hard. Truly understanding and appreciating the unflattering either in or from a partner is not easy. Many things that are not easy are well worth the hard work. Others require hard work and ultimately result in failure; working towards true intimacy can be a high-risk, high-reward scenario. Ideally, intimacy begets inclusion; two (or more) people who truly understand, appreciate, and know each other. One way to highlight inclusion is by the exclusion of others. Indeed, any two people who truly connect have some sort of unique attachment that is not shared with any outside partner, no matter how intimate. However, the converse is not necessarily true; not every exclusion comes with inclusion of something else, hence the “mistake” of equating monogamy for intimacy.
What is it that we’re afraid of from non-monogamy? Ultimately, the fear is of loss of some kind. Time can be lost to someone else, and a great excuse for continuing monogamy (in fact, an excuse that I’ve used myself) is that people in love may feel like they don’t get enough time with each other. Why contribute to the problem by spending even less time with a monogamous partner in order to open up the relationship to others?
I’ve mentioned this before, but the answer for me has to do with quality of time spent. Just like anything in life, a little outside perspective and exploration can add a lot of value to a long-term operation (it’s no coincidence that intellectual thrillers show the great insight coming during the shower scene), and I’m happy to relinquish a quantity of time for improved quality, even if any process of changing takes a bit of getting used to.
And time does not necessarily equal security. I’m certainly willing to admit that I was incredibly lucky to have had a fantastic decade-plus closed relationship to overflow my psyche with security in that relationship and to warm me up to the idea of opening up. But timing is different for everyone, and a decade is a long time to wait for most goals (if opening up a monogamous relationship is indeed anyone’s goal).
I suppose we can be afraid of being devalued or no longer valued, and that is indeed a risk. In an ideal world, more people in a lover’s life simply add to one’s own life (by contributing energy, or ideas, or resources), and don’t take anything away. The truth is, I can think off the top of my head of two people whose spaces in my heart have been replaced by new lovers who have simply fit my needs better. Switching lovers out, even only emotional lovers, was indeed selfish of me, though one might argue that finding someone open and honest to “replace” someone who would be cheating if involved with me is generally good for society (even with that caveat, I switched lovers for my own benefit, and with no logical thought on my own part).
All of my lovers are my favorites, for one reason or another. In some cases, I can articulate the reason, and sometimes it’s just a nebulous feeling I get about the entire package. In practicality, though, I find myself uninspired by a fantastic all-around person who doesn’t somehow also shine as a uniquely bright spot in my life (some people call that "chemistry"). One of the tricks to obtaining and maintaining security in a relationship may be to find, acknowledge, and cultivate that bright spot in your lovers and other people. Frequent mention or appreciation of those bright spots seems to help. As does constant effort for improvement to keep those spots shining brightly on the other side.
*******
Questions or comments? I've got opinions. Try my at polysaturated@rocketmail.com.
not every exclusion comes with inclusion of something else
ReplyDeleteWow... that's brilliantly stated, and true of much more than just sexual relations. If I keep reading this blog, I am going to need better sunglasses soon. :-)