In last week’s episode, my spouse took the reigns at writing on the jealousy/compersion scale, and I’d like to point out that I got a lot of positive comments on that post (note to self: let my spouse do more of my work for me). It also got me thinking about just how innate a tendency toward jealousy would be.
When my spouse and I were young lovers, we were monogamous. And as you might have gathered from last week’s column, my spouse is almost entirely non-jealous. Um, let me rephrase that... was almost entirely non-jealous. Almost annoyingly so (what, am I not worth fighting some moron for?). We were/are a loving, well-matched couple, and he trusted me completely; there was no way I’d go for anyone else after I promised him I wouldn’t. So why waste mental energy worrying about something that’s never going to happen?
But I started noticing things whenever little physical boundaries were pushed. The blue lipstick on my cheek after we saw Blue Man Group got him a little... let’s say possessive. And I got a wonderfully energetic night the time I came home gushing about the strippers at my friend’s bachelorette party (well-timed and moderate jealousy can sometimes be good for spiking up a relationship, but I'll delve into that later). And when we opened up and it turned out there are a lot of extremely high quality gentlemen out there (where have all the gentlemen gone? What a silly question--they’re all dating me!), my spouse didn’t exactly think I was going to leave him. But he was aware he had some very attractive peers.
What I’m saying is that one partner’s behavior can affect the other partner’s level of jealousy, at least to a certain extent. My spouse and I are extremely lucky to be rather low on the jealousy scale. But there are certainly situations in which I feel either more or less jealous. Therefore, there are some techniques to mitigate it. Here are some that I’ve found.
Easier: minimizing jealousy in one’s partner
The big one: be extremely happily committed for a decade+ before you go open. That seems to work wonders (also, the time suggestion is arbitrary and just happened to work for me).
It helps me if I know my partner who is far away (and let’s face it; I work a lot. All of my partners are far away a fair bit of the time) is thinking of me. A quick text when there’s a situation that reminds them of me makes me feel secure, with instant gratification. This works even in such extreme circumstances as when the partner is on a date with someone else. I probably wouldn’t consider dating someone who gets jealous over my occasionally sending a 30-second text to someone else I love ("occasionally" is the operative word here). The same holds true with tangible items, but my bias is that instant gratification is better than material gratification; all any of that means is, “I’m thinking of you,” and the less a lover has to wait to hear that message, the more secure they feel.
Direct praise really brings out security and other warm fuzzies. I know it can be uncomfortable to give when the person in question is right there in front of you, so I’ve come up with a couple of techniques for when I’m starved for praise. A metamour and I discovered that our mutual partner is very good at talking up the other partner and much less good at articulating how the one in front of them is special. So we keep a tally on what accolades were given in absentia and let each other know about them, even if the direct lover can’t or won’t. I’ve also been known to straight up ask what’s so good about me if I get a lot of gushing over a different lover. And I wait for an answer (there’s got to be some reason you’re wasting your time dating me). All of my partners are my favorites for some reason. I like to make sure they know that reason. I usually don’t like to let them know my other partners’ reasons for being my favorites. But on the rare occasions I let it slip, I’ve seen competitive improvements in the ones who were not quite my favorites in that aspect. This only works on really, really secure partners, like superheroes. I might not suggest it for mere mortals.
Time and attention are key. A small amount of time with a great deal of focused attention is a wonderful investment in any relationship. If I’m occasionally prioritized, I’m much more likely to come back after a long absence.
Stick to your time commitments. I’m willing to give up some time to a metamour if I can trust that I know when mine will come.
Invite another lover along to make it three. If I'm invited wholeheartedly, I will often decide not to go on said date. And it's much easier to handle if that's my choice.
Harder: minimizing jealousy in oneself
By the time I’m feeling jealous, something’s usually gone horribly awry, but there are a few things that help in the heat of a jealous rage.
There’s always the old standby of slow, deep, meditative breaths. I usually feel better after about 10.
Give the benefit of the doubt. You’re dating your partner for some reason or other, so they’re probably a reasonable person. What explanations are possible that make your partner out to be a hero? Assume that’s the case until you hear otherwise (I wouldn’t suggest living with the wool over your eyes, though. Ask when you get a chance what exactly is going on). Often, by the time I hear the real story, my partner makes out looking even better than I could have imagined.
Treat yourself right. A heavy workout or a good, long nap often make any tough situation better.
Questions, stories, or opinions? Let me know! polysaturated@rocketmail.com.
When my spouse and I were young lovers, we were monogamous. And as you might have gathered from last week’s column, my spouse is almost entirely non-jealous. Um, let me rephrase that... was almost entirely non-jealous. Almost annoyingly so (what, am I not worth fighting some moron for?). We were/are a loving, well-matched couple, and he trusted me completely; there was no way I’d go for anyone else after I promised him I wouldn’t. So why waste mental energy worrying about something that’s never going to happen?
But I started noticing things whenever little physical boundaries were pushed. The blue lipstick on my cheek after we saw Blue Man Group got him a little... let’s say possessive. And I got a wonderfully energetic night the time I came home gushing about the strippers at my friend’s bachelorette party (well-timed and moderate jealousy can sometimes be good for spiking up a relationship, but I'll delve into that later). And when we opened up and it turned out there are a lot of extremely high quality gentlemen out there (where have all the gentlemen gone? What a silly question--they’re all dating me!), my spouse didn’t exactly think I was going to leave him. But he was aware he had some very attractive peers.
What I’m saying is that one partner’s behavior can affect the other partner’s level of jealousy, at least to a certain extent. My spouse and I are extremely lucky to be rather low on the jealousy scale. But there are certainly situations in which I feel either more or less jealous. Therefore, there are some techniques to mitigate it. Here are some that I’ve found.
Easier: minimizing jealousy in one’s partner
The big one: be extremely happily committed for a decade+ before you go open. That seems to work wonders (also, the time suggestion is arbitrary and just happened to work for me).
It helps me if I know my partner who is far away (and let’s face it; I work a lot. All of my partners are far away a fair bit of the time) is thinking of me. A quick text when there’s a situation that reminds them of me makes me feel secure, with instant gratification. This works even in such extreme circumstances as when the partner is on a date with someone else. I probably wouldn’t consider dating someone who gets jealous over my occasionally sending a 30-second text to someone else I love ("occasionally" is the operative word here). The same holds true with tangible items, but my bias is that instant gratification is better than material gratification; all any of that means is, “I’m thinking of you,” and the less a lover has to wait to hear that message, the more secure they feel.
Direct praise really brings out security and other warm fuzzies. I know it can be uncomfortable to give when the person in question is right there in front of you, so I’ve come up with a couple of techniques for when I’m starved for praise. A metamour and I discovered that our mutual partner is very good at talking up the other partner and much less good at articulating how the one in front of them is special. So we keep a tally on what accolades were given in absentia and let each other know about them, even if the direct lover can’t or won’t. I’ve also been known to straight up ask what’s so good about me if I get a lot of gushing over a different lover. And I wait for an answer (there’s got to be some reason you’re wasting your time dating me). All of my partners are my favorites for some reason. I like to make sure they know that reason. I usually don’t like to let them know my other partners’ reasons for being my favorites. But on the rare occasions I let it slip, I’ve seen competitive improvements in the ones who were not quite my favorites in that aspect. This only works on really, really secure partners, like superheroes. I might not suggest it for mere mortals.
Time and attention are key. A small amount of time with a great deal of focused attention is a wonderful investment in any relationship. If I’m occasionally prioritized, I’m much more likely to come back after a long absence.
Stick to your time commitments. I’m willing to give up some time to a metamour if I can trust that I know when mine will come.
Invite another lover along to make it three. If I'm invited wholeheartedly, I will often decide not to go on said date. And it's much easier to handle if that's my choice.
Harder: minimizing jealousy in oneself
By the time I’m feeling jealous, something’s usually gone horribly awry, but there are a few things that help in the heat of a jealous rage.
There’s always the old standby of slow, deep, meditative breaths. I usually feel better after about 10.
Give the benefit of the doubt. You’re dating your partner for some reason or other, so they’re probably a reasonable person. What explanations are possible that make your partner out to be a hero? Assume that’s the case until you hear otherwise (I wouldn’t suggest living with the wool over your eyes, though. Ask when you get a chance what exactly is going on). Often, by the time I hear the real story, my partner makes out looking even better than I could have imagined.
Treat yourself right. A heavy workout or a good, long nap often make any tough situation better.
Questions, stories, or opinions? Let me know! polysaturated@rocketmail.com.
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