A recent phone conversation with an ex of mine got me thinking: what is the point of a breakup in a poly relationship?
In an ideal situation, it’s just managing expectations, which often can be managed in much less dramatic ways than a full-on breakup. Can I ever be so certain about the entirety of my temporally-changing preferences that I can honestly say, “no, I never want to be physically intimate with you again?” That’s almost as much commitment as marriage: no matter who you and I become in the decades that follow, I will always have your best interests at heart.
I’m particularly reluctant to express such finality because I seem to recall having once told the person who became my spouse--in no uncertain terms--that he will never get into my pants. I think I even enumerated the reasons. I hope the gods are still laughing over those plans.
In the case of the breakup in question, I was simply running out of time. We saw each other rarely, and I need a degree of inclusion into someone’s life before I’m completely comfortable with physical intimacy. The chemistry was there in some ways and lacking in others, and though I’m a firm believer that most problems can be solved, the effort required simply was not giving results in the same way as some of my other uses of time. At least at that time.
We’re still friends who know a great deal about each other; almost certainly more than society would find prudent. And since the breakup, we became long-distance. We still speak on the phone occasionally, though we currently have better friends in each others’ towns than would merit actually seeing each other. Still, there seems to be even less point in a long-distance poly breakup than an in-town one. Am I certain that I will never be in a position to where I’d want to be reminded of my former self as seen through this person at a time when I happen to be swinging into town?
A fun pastime of mine is to look at my lovers’ dealbreaker questions on OKCupid (those are the questions to which certain answers are unacceptable in a partner, and either my partners or I have answered them unacceptably). I defined my dealbreakers a mere year ago, and in the context of my lovers, I know them well enough to understand why they answered as they did. These dealbreakers have become endearing features to me. A mere year has changed my opinions dramatically, or at least educated me about context.
A couple of my lovers have the feature--and I think monogamists may find this annoying--of being in love with their exes. I’m in fact thrilled about that mentality: it bodes well for me. My lovers may come in and out of relationships that don’t involve me, and I can statistically count on being well regarded in the meantime, even if we do have some sort of violent end to the relationship. Dan Savage agrees with me in his podcast #309 (wait through all of the topics he lists in the blurb to get to the relevant question, or skip to 27:46 for Melissa from Canada); high-quality people think fondly of their exes as human beings, and they’re likely to appreciate their current partners a great deal with that tendency.
Back to managing expectations--in the case of the breakup I’m thinking about now, I believe nothing short of a breakup would have gotten expectations low enough for my comfort level. And even at our recent phone conversation, I was given the option of getting together for fun times at any point in the future. So one might say I did a poor job of managing those expectations even with a breakup.
Or maybe I’m just lucky to have once chosen someone who gives me the right to change my mind.
Got a question? I’ve got answers! polysaturated@rocketmail.com.
In an ideal situation, it’s just managing expectations, which often can be managed in much less dramatic ways than a full-on breakup. Can I ever be so certain about the entirety of my temporally-changing preferences that I can honestly say, “no, I never want to be physically intimate with you again?” That’s almost as much commitment as marriage: no matter who you and I become in the decades that follow, I will always have your best interests at heart.
I’m particularly reluctant to express such finality because I seem to recall having once told the person who became my spouse--in no uncertain terms--that he will never get into my pants. I think I even enumerated the reasons. I hope the gods are still laughing over those plans.
In the case of the breakup in question, I was simply running out of time. We saw each other rarely, and I need a degree of inclusion into someone’s life before I’m completely comfortable with physical intimacy. The chemistry was there in some ways and lacking in others, and though I’m a firm believer that most problems can be solved, the effort required simply was not giving results in the same way as some of my other uses of time. At least at that time.
We’re still friends who know a great deal about each other; almost certainly more than society would find prudent. And since the breakup, we became long-distance. We still speak on the phone occasionally, though we currently have better friends in each others’ towns than would merit actually seeing each other. Still, there seems to be even less point in a long-distance poly breakup than an in-town one. Am I certain that I will never be in a position to where I’d want to be reminded of my former self as seen through this person at a time when I happen to be swinging into town?
A fun pastime of mine is to look at my lovers’ dealbreaker questions on OKCupid (those are the questions to which certain answers are unacceptable in a partner, and either my partners or I have answered them unacceptably). I defined my dealbreakers a mere year ago, and in the context of my lovers, I know them well enough to understand why they answered as they did. These dealbreakers have become endearing features to me. A mere year has changed my opinions dramatically, or at least educated me about context.
A couple of my lovers have the feature--and I think monogamists may find this annoying--of being in love with their exes. I’m in fact thrilled about that mentality: it bodes well for me. My lovers may come in and out of relationships that don’t involve me, and I can statistically count on being well regarded in the meantime, even if we do have some sort of violent end to the relationship. Dan Savage agrees with me in his podcast #309 (wait through all of the topics he lists in the blurb to get to the relevant question, or skip to 27:46 for Melissa from Canada); high-quality people think fondly of their exes as human beings, and they’re likely to appreciate their current partners a great deal with that tendency.
Back to managing expectations--in the case of the breakup I’m thinking about now, I believe nothing short of a breakup would have gotten expectations low enough for my comfort level. And even at our recent phone conversation, I was given the option of getting together for fun times at any point in the future. So one might say I did a poor job of managing those expectations even with a breakup.
Or maybe I’m just lucky to have once chosen someone who gives me the right to change my mind.
Got a question? I’ve got answers! polysaturated@rocketmail.com.
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