Say you have the impracticality of multiple long-term romantic partners. How do you know who gets whom and when?
The simple answer: Google calendar. There are no surprises if everything is planned out (well, very few. I’ve been given more or less time than I had scheduled with a lover due to the vagaries of air travel).
The more complex answer: it’s not so different from having a child with shared custody. There’s a general plan for who has the child when, and in emergencies (weather and sudden violent illness related, mostly, in the grown-up case), the plans can be changed and renegotiated. A child can move from place to place on their own if they’re old enough, or one guardian can come and pick up the kid so there’s overlap of custody. There’s an element of choice and an element of convenience (which parent lives closer to school? Or in my case, work?), plus an element of legality (I am, after all, married to one of my partners, and we generally share a domicile). It’s been a long time since I’ve heard someone complain of shared custody of a child, and sharing partners is usually no different.
It helps in my case that all of my non-spousal partners live out of town and alone (to a first approximation). For practicality, then, I usually do the running around visiting, and my spouse gets to have our place for a little while. Sometimes, a lover visits me, and then my spouse has the option of staying home and putting up with an extra roommate (note: some people enjoy being around visitors with a vested interest in their spouse. Some people don’t) or finding someplace else to be for a little while (quite possibly another lover’s house).
Some of my spouse’s lovers are in-town, and the idea is the same there, even if the time frame is shorter. If my spouse has a lover over, I usually stick around for dinner and then let them have some privacy (worst case scenario: work late!) for a few hours. When I come home, my spouse has the choice of (1) taking the lover home (2) sleeping in the guest room with our visitor (3) sleeping in our room while the visitor’s in the guest room, or (4) sleeping in a big puppy pile if we’re all comfortable with each other. Option (4) is really fun the next morning at breakfast, especially if you’re the one who slept in the middle.
So who’s comfortable with whom? That depends greatly on who’s involved. Some people like each other. Some people don’t. Some people are just busy that night. Pheromones are strange things, and it helps if people don’t get too bent out of shape about who’s got what micropriorities and when.
Some people would make great long-term roommates. Some drive us crazy. And some are fine for a few hours. Many couples exercise veto power over potential partners-of-partners if they don’t get along. We personally tend to have enough solo social options that we’re fine if the spouse is with someone we aren’t terribly fond of. But it’s really nice if everyone can be civil for the few moments of joint custody whenever they happen.
Got a question or a comment? Email me a polysaturated@rocketmail.com. I’m always happy to give my opinion.
The simple answer: Google calendar. There are no surprises if everything is planned out (well, very few. I’ve been given more or less time than I had scheduled with a lover due to the vagaries of air travel).
The more complex answer: it’s not so different from having a child with shared custody. There’s a general plan for who has the child when, and in emergencies (weather and sudden violent illness related, mostly, in the grown-up case), the plans can be changed and renegotiated. A child can move from place to place on their own if they’re old enough, or one guardian can come and pick up the kid so there’s overlap of custody. There’s an element of choice and an element of convenience (which parent lives closer to school? Or in my case, work?), plus an element of legality (I am, after all, married to one of my partners, and we generally share a domicile). It’s been a long time since I’ve heard someone complain of shared custody of a child, and sharing partners is usually no different.
It helps in my case that all of my non-spousal partners live out of town and alone (to a first approximation). For practicality, then, I usually do the running around visiting, and my spouse gets to have our place for a little while. Sometimes, a lover visits me, and then my spouse has the option of staying home and putting up with an extra roommate (note: some people enjoy being around visitors with a vested interest in their spouse. Some people don’t) or finding someplace else to be for a little while (quite possibly another lover’s house).
Some of my spouse’s lovers are in-town, and the idea is the same there, even if the time frame is shorter. If my spouse has a lover over, I usually stick around for dinner and then let them have some privacy (worst case scenario: work late!) for a few hours. When I come home, my spouse has the choice of (1) taking the lover home (2) sleeping in the guest room with our visitor (3) sleeping in our room while the visitor’s in the guest room, or (4) sleeping in a big puppy pile if we’re all comfortable with each other. Option (4) is really fun the next morning at breakfast, especially if you’re the one who slept in the middle.
So who’s comfortable with whom? That depends greatly on who’s involved. Some people like each other. Some people don’t. Some people are just busy that night. Pheromones are strange things, and it helps if people don’t get too bent out of shape about who’s got what micropriorities and when.
Some people would make great long-term roommates. Some drive us crazy. And some are fine for a few hours. Many couples exercise veto power over potential partners-of-partners if they don’t get along. We personally tend to have enough solo social options that we’re fine if the spouse is with someone we aren’t terribly fond of. But it’s really nice if everyone can be civil for the few moments of joint custody whenever they happen.
Got a question or a comment? Email me a polysaturated@rocketmail.com. I’m always happy to give my opinion.
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