Poly breakups

Some random guy I’d never met before: See?  Poly doesn’t work!  You’re splitting up!

My poly mentor: What an interesting perspective.  My ex and I have been married since before you were with your first wife.  Now you’re on your third.  So you’re telling me monogamy works better?

Random guy: (blush)

*****

Yes, openness can break marriages.  As can monogamy.  It depends on the context in which they’re applied, and on whom.

In this case, though, the openness seems to have had little to do with the breakup, except perhaps to postpone it or make the process a bit easier.  The breakup happened the way any breakup would, especially of a long-term committed couple: they started to realize they were not seeing eye to eye, and they no longer felt like their goals matched.  They felt the best thing to do was to go and live their lives according to their own personal wishes, rather than stay together in arbitrary habits.  They’re still good friends, quite possibly inappropriate friends.  And why not?  They clearly liked each other for some things.

Couples who discover a deal-breaker incompatibility break up.  Even open couples.  A fair number of my compatriots in open relationships are in the process of breaking up right now, and I’m noticing some common themes.

1. If they have another lover while they’re breaking up with one, the devastation factor seems to diminish.  Sure, they’ve lost an aspect of a relationship with someone they care for.  But they haven’t lost their only source of care and support.
2. If they have another lover while they’re breaking up with one, the other lover may be heading out the door, too.  I’m noticing an uncanny tendency for multiple breakups to happen to the same person at one time.  When it rains, it pours (if scenario #2  is applicable, scenario #1 is less so).
3. Breakups within open couples seem more amicable or less contentious than monogamous ones.  It might be the habit of open and honest communication, or the advanced jealousy-mitigating emotional skills.  Or it might have something to do with the strong emotional support network listed in Scenario 1.
4. Just because there may (or may not) be a lover who stays doesn’t mean the breakup is emotionally seamless.
5. Outsiders seem to assume that the reason for the breakup in open relationships is the openness.  It can be; differences in relationship style preferences are an incompatibility just like any other, and there are a lot of different types of open relationships one might prefer.  But it isn’t necessarily the main source of contention.
6. Open people sometimes complain there’s a culture of not breaking up, of trying to stay connected even after a connection is stretched or severed.  Sometimes simply scaling back to a level of involvement that correlates with diminished interest works well.  And sometimes, maintaining any level of involvement seems artificial.

My heartfelt empathy to those of you in transition right now.  May the Force be with you.

*****
Questions or comments?  I’ve got answers!  Try me at polysaturated@rocketmail.com.