Poly breakups

Some random guy I’d never met before: See?  Poly doesn’t work!  You’re splitting up!

My poly mentor: What an interesting perspective.  My ex and I have been married since before you were with your first wife.  Now you’re on your third.  So you’re telling me monogamy works better?

Random guy: (blush)

*****

Yes, openness can break marriages.  As can monogamy.  It depends on the context in which they’re applied, and on whom.

In this case, though, the openness seems to have had little to do with the breakup, except perhaps to postpone it or make the process a bit easier.  The breakup happened the way any breakup would, especially of a long-term committed couple: they started to realize they were not seeing eye to eye, and they no longer felt like their goals matched.  They felt the best thing to do was to go and live their lives according to their own personal wishes, rather than stay together in arbitrary habits.  They’re still good friends, quite possibly inappropriate friends.  And why not?  They clearly liked each other for some things.

Couples who discover a deal-breaker incompatibility break up.  Even open couples.  A fair number of my compatriots in open relationships are in the process of breaking up right now, and I’m noticing some common themes.

1. If they have another lover while they’re breaking up with one, the devastation factor seems to diminish.  Sure, they’ve lost an aspect of a relationship with someone they care for.  But they haven’t lost their only source of care and support.
2. If they have another lover while they’re breaking up with one, the other lover may be heading out the door, too.  I’m noticing an uncanny tendency for multiple breakups to happen to the same person at one time.  When it rains, it pours (if scenario #2  is applicable, scenario #1 is less so).
3. Breakups within open couples seem more amicable or less contentious than monogamous ones.  It might be the habit of open and honest communication, or the advanced jealousy-mitigating emotional skills.  Or it might have something to do with the strong emotional support network listed in Scenario 1.
4. Just because there may (or may not) be a lover who stays doesn’t mean the breakup is emotionally seamless.
5. Outsiders seem to assume that the reason for the breakup in open relationships is the openness.  It can be; differences in relationship style preferences are an incompatibility just like any other, and there are a lot of different types of open relationships one might prefer.  But it isn’t necessarily the main source of contention.
6. Open people sometimes complain there’s a culture of not breaking up, of trying to stay connected even after a connection is stretched or severed.  Sometimes simply scaling back to a level of involvement that correlates with diminished interest works well.  And sometimes, maintaining any level of involvement seems artificial.

My heartfelt empathy to those of you in transition right now.  May the Force be with you.

*****
Questions or comments?  I’ve got answers!  Try me at polysaturated@rocketmail.com.

Motorcycles and Non-Monogamy

I have NRE, big time.  She’s big, and she’s blonde.  She’s got some experience, but she’s brand new to me.  And I’ve got a huge crush on her.

She’s my new motorcycle.

I was so happy the day I bought her, my spouse commented at our celebratory dinner, “we should get you a new motorcycle every day!”

I had a motorcycle already, and I was perfectly happy with it.  But the new one just fell in my lap, and I couldn’t resist.  I’d ridden it before--it belonged to a friend of mine, who showed off by letting me drive it.  And it was love at first sight, at least on my end.  When my friend decided to sell his motorcycle and remembered the great connection I had with her, he wisely called me first.  I pounced on the offer.

My new motorcycle purrs.  She’s responsive.  She feels good.  She looks good.  When I’m with her, heads turn.  She goes fast.  I can take her on freeways without her whining.  When we’re together, it feels like we were made for each other.  The thought of her infuses me with energy.  I can’t stop raving about her to unsuspecting and completely uninterested friends.

But after a day or two of riding my new motorcycle, I found myself returning to the old one.  The old one is small, so it can fit easily into creative parking spots.  And he shifts so smoothly.  His gas mileage is unheard of (75 mpg!).  Unless I’m going a long distance, I don’t need the highway speed.  We fit together, too, in different ways.  The old motorcycle is very forgiving of me.  I can start him uphill from second gear without him whining, which I’ve accidentally done an embarrassing number of times.

And a funny thing happened when I went back to my old motorcycle.  Once I knew how a motorcycle with a lot of power feels when I’m driving, I pushed my old motorcycle harder.  I realized he wasn’t whining at 55 mph, just adjusting some things to facilitate the ride (OK, I still haven’t successfully broken 60 on the old one).  I trusted his turns more.  And when he wasn’t responsive, I just gave him more attention to make sure I got what I wanted out of him.

I’m still deep in crush on my new motorcycle.  And I still can’t bring myself to part with my old one.  They’re both wonderful for different reasons.  In some situations, either one will do.  But in other situations, I really want to admire the unique strengths that one or the other has to offer.

I’m not sure I’m cut out for monogamy, even in private transportation.  Too bad neither of my motorcycles is up for a threesome yet.

*****

Questions or comments?  I’ve got answers!  Try me at polysaturated@rocketmail.com.

Avoiding Problems

Advice from a poly mentor: Open marriages are harder than monogamous ones.  But I think it’s worth the effort, because open marriages can be better.

*****

I’m noticing that I’m surrounded by people whose primary motivation seems to be avoiding problems.

I prefer to live my life in a way that balances maximizing utility while minimizing the consequences of problems.  As far as I’m concerned, problems can come and go as they please.

We’re all familiar with the economic concept of a good.  For the polar opposite, there’s also the economic concept of a bad.  In short, a bad (noun) is trash.  Something that you want to get rid of, or something that’s not worth the resources (time, space, money) required to maintain it.

Jealousy is a bad. 

At least it can be in excess, or in certain forms.  Many people in any variety of relationship models actively work to avoid jealousy.  Jealousy can be so unfortunate a feeling, that they’ll go to pretty big lengths, and possibly miss some good opportunities, to avoid it.

What if, instead, the goal were to minimize jealousy, or somehow deal with it?

What if someone got a large amount of utility out of a certain action (or interaction, person, or thing), and the consequences to their personal network might include jealousy, pain or discomfort?  Does it matter that the negative emotions for one person might be less intense than the positive emotions for another?

For me, it does.  I’d happily endure some temporary discomfort or uncertainty if I knew my partner was having a wonderful time.  After all, my partners share their happiness with me, and in my ideal relationship, their happiness rubs off on me.  So even on a selfish basis, it’s worth it to me to get a little discomfort for a lot of joy.

Plus, the absence of problems doesn’t mean things are going well.  In a tight, well-run system, problems are discovered, dealt with, and overcome, ideally with a result that makes future iterations of that problem even easier to deal with.  If I’m doing well, I can take emotional risks and quite possibly get very strong emotional rewards. 

In a poorly run system, it may be more important to avoid problems, as even simple problems have the potential to completely derail it.  That doesn’t sound like very much fun to me. 

What does sound like fun is having new experiences, learning how I react to them (and giving myself permission for the answer to be: poorly), learning how to react to or deal with them better, and becoming a stronger person who knows more things, has had more experiences, and is more able to provide value to society than I was before.

*****

Epilogue: the poly mentor mentioned above is going through a spousal separation right now.

*****

Questions or comments?  I’ve got answers!  Try my at polysaturated@rocketmail.com.