Question (at dinner, at one of my lovers’ birthday shindigs): Your lovers’ lovers... do you love them, too?
My answer: Yes, but not in the way you might think.
*****
What’s a meta-lover (I think that term rolls off the mental tongue better than the culturally accepted metamour) to do?
The answer, as usual, is anything they want to do. But here’s a short list of what I tend to do with them.
First, what do I mean when I say I love them? I might not even really know them, depending on how my lover found or was involved with them to begin with. But we certainly have something in common, or should I say someone. I like to point out that I’m in favor of all of my lovers, meaning I’m in favor of their happiness and their experience. My meta-lovers are part of my lovers’ experience, and my meta-lovers help make my lovers happy. How, then, can I not be in favor of my meta-lovers?
Sometimes, the best way to be in favor of a meta-lover is to leave them alone. If there are jealousy or access issues (and everyone has those to a certain extent), it might work best for the two meta-lovers to at least temporary stay out of each others’ way. It’s a kind version of the don’t-ask-don’t-tell policy. If I really don’t want to think about my lover’s other lover(s), but I want to know about them, it’s easy enough to come up with a schedule that ensures we don’t run into each other. It still honors their time, space, and relationship(s). For a while, my spouse didn’t want to have anything to do with my lovers (my girlthing, had we gotten together earlier, would be a noted exception), but he’s starting to warm up to the idea of having my lovers as friends, or at least acquaintances. After all, he can pick their brains about how to handle me.
Sometimes I’m Platonic friends with a meta-lover. I’d say I’m friends with most of my meta-lovers (there are a few who are farther away, spatially, and with whom I don’t interact often, but I find them all perfectly pleasant people). My spouse’s ex was a good case in point; we’d have dinner together and/or go for workouts without my spouse (until he came home and got hugs from both sides). We were maybe a bit more giggly about inappropriate subjects than your standard workout buddies, but there’s a great deal of instant connection, or intimacy, or knowledge when two people share someone who inevitably has quirks.
Advanced skill that I’m working on: being lovers with your meta-lover. OK, I’ve gone as far as really fun threesomes with a clear (or maybe a less-than-clear) middle partner and being willing to be a roommate with a meta-lover, but the nuances of relationships and sexuality--and how hard it is to even get two people to like each other more or less equally--make an equal threesome something that I’m just not experienced enough yet to comment on. But I’d bet it’s amazingly fun. Call me back in a few years and see if the answer’s changed.
*****
Questions or comments? I have answers, or at least inaccurate theories that two lovers can call me out on. Try my at polysaturated@rocketmail.com.
My answer: Yes, but not in the way you might think.
*****
What’s a meta-lover (I think that term rolls off the mental tongue better than the culturally accepted metamour) to do?
The answer, as usual, is anything they want to do. But here’s a short list of what I tend to do with them.
First, what do I mean when I say I love them? I might not even really know them, depending on how my lover found or was involved with them to begin with. But we certainly have something in common, or should I say someone. I like to point out that I’m in favor of all of my lovers, meaning I’m in favor of their happiness and their experience. My meta-lovers are part of my lovers’ experience, and my meta-lovers help make my lovers happy. How, then, can I not be in favor of my meta-lovers?
Sometimes, the best way to be in favor of a meta-lover is to leave them alone. If there are jealousy or access issues (and everyone has those to a certain extent), it might work best for the two meta-lovers to at least temporary stay out of each others’ way. It’s a kind version of the don’t-ask-don’t-tell policy. If I really don’t want to think about my lover’s other lover(s), but I want to know about them, it’s easy enough to come up with a schedule that ensures we don’t run into each other. It still honors their time, space, and relationship(s). For a while, my spouse didn’t want to have anything to do with my lovers (my girlthing, had we gotten together earlier, would be a noted exception), but he’s starting to warm up to the idea of having my lovers as friends, or at least acquaintances. After all, he can pick their brains about how to handle me.
Sometimes I’m Platonic friends with a meta-lover. I’d say I’m friends with most of my meta-lovers (there are a few who are farther away, spatially, and with whom I don’t interact often, but I find them all perfectly pleasant people). My spouse’s ex was a good case in point; we’d have dinner together and/or go for workouts without my spouse (until he came home and got hugs from both sides). We were maybe a bit more giggly about inappropriate subjects than your standard workout buddies, but there’s a great deal of instant connection, or intimacy, or knowledge when two people share someone who inevitably has quirks.
- Sometimes the quirks are the same with two different people, and that usually makes me laugh. Isn’t it unusual how much heat she generates at night? Or charming how giddy he gets around redheads?
- What I find more interesting is how different someone can be with someone else, i.e. the quirks don’t match up. If I’m the variable and not the constant, it illustrates what my unique contribution to the relationship might be, even if the contribution is just how I receive or perceive activity. Doesn’t he give the best bear hugs? Wait... what do you mean they hurt you? Isn’t it cute how shy he is? Um... you think he’s outgoing? Maybe there’s less laughter involved in those conversations with the meta-lover, but they’re usually much more substantive. Are we perceiving the same person differently, or are we bringing out different qualities in a complex one? Understanding the differences in how a partner behaves towards me than towards another lover makes me feel irreplaceable, even if the differences aren’t exactly flattering. Sure, they might be able to get the milk for free from someone else if I weren’t around, but would they get elbowed in the ribs whenever they broke into that fake Scottish accent?
- Another advantage for being friends with a meta-lover is the possibility of ganging up on the common lover. This may well be my favorite part of having a meta-lover. I’ve heard it called, “having more than one person call you out on your B.S.” If you and your monogamous lover disagree on some aspect of your behavior, who’s to say what’s more in line with accepted sociocultural norms? If there’s an odd number of people in the equation, it can be fairly easy to take a clear vote. Sometimes, ganging up on a lover can be done nicely, in a way that convinces them of the merits of alternative views of the world and makes them thankful for the multitude of wonderful people looking out for them. Sometimes ganging up just makes them feel... attacked. As a historical practitioner of both methods, I greatly prefer the former. Now, the trick is to do the former on purpose (more on that when I figure it out). At any rate, it’s nice when my lover’s lover agrees with me, even if my lover doesn’t. And it certainly makes me think hard about my position if two of my lovers disagree with me and agree with each other. Hence, I just got a haircut.
*****
Questions or comments? I have answers, or at least inaccurate theories that two lovers can call me out on. Try my at polysaturated@rocketmail.com.
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