I find it incredibly easy to be generous when I’m feeling rich. Jokes about never having met a wealthy communist aside, it’s a lot easier for me to share what I have in abundance than what I feel like I’m struggling to get enough of.
This applies to food. I’m not proud of the argument I had with my spouse after I offered half of my protein bar and then realized that my caloric needs were such that keeping the whole thing myself might have been better for both of us. The truth is I was not objected to any selfishness on my spouse’s part; he was innocent. I was objected to my falling blood sugar.
This applies to money. I never picked up the entire tab for dinner with a friend when I was in college. To do so might represent not being able to eat real food for a week or two, even if said friend were going to pick up the tab after said week. Now I pay for dinner all the time, and it’s pretty hard to remember whose turn it is.
This applies to time. If I’ve got my own urgent priorities, it’s hard to worry about someone else’s. But if I’ve got my own things taken care of, I enjoy nothing more than helping out a friend.
And this applies to love. If I feel well loved and secure, my natural tendency is to rejoice in my lover’s good fortune at finding someone else with whom to explore. If I feel like I’m starved for attention, it’s going to be hard to muster enthusiasm when the attention I crave is directed elsewhere.
I recently had a mild playful experience with someone (let’s call them my “tertiary”) in a similar situation to me--this person has a spouse, a non-spousal primary, and a smattering of other people of various import to their lives. Additionally, neither my tertiary nor I have a lot of rules in the traditional sense of open relationships, but my tertiary’s non-spousal primary was going through a break-up with a different lover, and that left them feeling vulnerable. So even though my tertiary’s spouse had an anything-goes policy, his non-spousal primary wouldn’t have been happy about a whole lot of shenanigans.
When my spouse asked how my evening went (code for: “is it time for us to get STI tests again?”), and I announced that it was rather tame, my spouse was surprised at the reasoning. After all, who has more stringent requirements, or more traditional reason for jealousy, than a spouse? In truth, a spouse or spousal equivalent--anybody long-term, committed and in general living together--in a relationship that is going well might be very willing to share. They would ideally be confident that relevant information is shared in a timely fashion, and that they will get their turn for undivided attention at some relatively near point. Preferably, they've also had enough quality time recently Someone who’s not providing enough time, attention, affection, or whatever it is people want in a relationship might get more grumbling over extra-curricular play time or partners. So the trick may be to make darned certain that the important people in your life are fully satisfied with what they’re getting before running around and finding action elsewhere.
*****
Questions or comments? Try my at polysaturated@rocketmail.com.
This applies to food. I’m not proud of the argument I had with my spouse after I offered half of my protein bar and then realized that my caloric needs were such that keeping the whole thing myself might have been better for both of us. The truth is I was not objected to any selfishness on my spouse’s part; he was innocent. I was objected to my falling blood sugar.
This applies to money. I never picked up the entire tab for dinner with a friend when I was in college. To do so might represent not being able to eat real food for a week or two, even if said friend were going to pick up the tab after said week. Now I pay for dinner all the time, and it’s pretty hard to remember whose turn it is.
This applies to time. If I’ve got my own urgent priorities, it’s hard to worry about someone else’s. But if I’ve got my own things taken care of, I enjoy nothing more than helping out a friend.
And this applies to love. If I feel well loved and secure, my natural tendency is to rejoice in my lover’s good fortune at finding someone else with whom to explore. If I feel like I’m starved for attention, it’s going to be hard to muster enthusiasm when the attention I crave is directed elsewhere.
I recently had a mild playful experience with someone (let’s call them my “tertiary”) in a similar situation to me--this person has a spouse, a non-spousal primary, and a smattering of other people of various import to their lives. Additionally, neither my tertiary nor I have a lot of rules in the traditional sense of open relationships, but my tertiary’s non-spousal primary was going through a break-up with a different lover, and that left them feeling vulnerable. So even though my tertiary’s spouse had an anything-goes policy, his non-spousal primary wouldn’t have been happy about a whole lot of shenanigans.
When my spouse asked how my evening went (code for: “is it time for us to get STI tests again?”), and I announced that it was rather tame, my spouse was surprised at the reasoning. After all, who has more stringent requirements, or more traditional reason for jealousy, than a spouse? In truth, a spouse or spousal equivalent--anybody long-term, committed and in general living together--in a relationship that is going well might be very willing to share. They would ideally be confident that relevant information is shared in a timely fashion, and that they will get their turn for undivided attention at some relatively near point. Preferably, they've also had enough quality time recently Someone who’s not providing enough time, attention, affection, or whatever it is people want in a relationship might get more grumbling over extra-curricular play time or partners. So the trick may be to make darned certain that the important people in your life are fully satisfied with what they’re getting before running around and finding action elsewhere.
*****
Questions or comments? Try my at polysaturated@rocketmail.com.
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