Prepare to congratulate me, because I have acquired a new girlthing. And she is awesome.
I’ll tell you it came as complete surprise because:
That was stupid of me. The whole point of being open (well, one of the many whole points) is that affection directed elsewhere does not have to diminish affection pointed in any given trajectory. We’ve been friends for a while. Why would I think that her confiding a separate crush to me had anything to do with her feelings for me?
That said, my hopes may not have been very high (did I mention she’s amazing?), but as soon as I found out she was willing to experiment with girls, I began to hatch a plan to get her to experiment with me. My plan was highly complex:
None of this happened. Well, step 4 did, but that was not due to any talent or action on my part. Turns out that when the crush on her first love/play interest(s) started to fall through, I happened to be there to pick up the pieces (note: I still stand by affection directed elsewhere not influencing the connection directed at me, but there really are only so many hours in the day, and it makes perfect sense to me why she was not pursuing me at the same time as going after someone else). She already knew I’m not fond of the uncertainty does-she-like-me guessing game (a game she kindly calls “flirting” but that I call exhaustively defending my boundaries), and so she straight up told me she intended to kiss me (did I mention she’s wonderful?).
At that point, steps 1 and 2 above became active.
She calls me her secondary, which is a shockingly high level of commitment from that which I was expecting (commitment: we write each other a couple of times a week and see each other when we’re in town, to do whatever we want. And we’re honest about our other partners on some semi-short time scale. We do that for as long as it works for us, and then we renegotiate), and I call her my girlthing out of complete and utter lack of brain power available to so much as categorize her whenever she pops up in my head (thank you to my secondary for that term).
Is this what it’s like to be a 15-year-old guy? I wish I had had more empathy for them. Right now I’m high on NRE (new relationship energy), and as much as I am quite aware that I’m insufferable, my spouse is kindly just laughing at me.
I intend to learn a great many things from my girlthing, starting with how to work a room so that everyone in it feels loved and appreciated. There is a way to do it, as evidenced by how special I felt when we were at dinner and she was publicly cuddling her husband while simultaneously playing footsie with me under the table (awkward poly moment when he reached for her hand, got mine instead, and it took a good 5 minutes for him to figure out his mistake).
Plus, she manages to make me feel secure even though the physical aspect of our relationship is quite new (code: anything can blow up massively and horribly at any time). One of my coworkers has a saying: “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all. But if you can say something nice, it’s in your best interests to do so.” My girlthing is great at that. It’s really clear to me why I like her. What’s less clear to me is what she sees in me (bumbling idiot whenever she’s around? Check). But she managed to say it in words:
You've been friends with me for a year and a half... gone rock climbing and ziplining with me, had dinners and drinks with me, cheered up my husband upon request, moved away from me (okay, that one is a strike against you), sent email to me on 62 different gmail threads, and found me [delete salient features here] guy to make out with.
So now my face is a little red, in addition to my brain being a little stupid, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Long live the crush!
*****
Questions or comments? Now is a bad time to ask, as I’m too deep in NRE to have anything useful to say. But I promise to to contemplate it to the best of my ability, so try me anyway: polysaturated@rocketmail.com
I’ll tell you it came as complete surprise because:
- for most of the time I knew her, she was in a happily monogamous relationship with no plans to change, and
- when she did open up, she was crushing out pretty heavily on some other girl.
That was stupid of me. The whole point of being open (well, one of the many whole points) is that affection directed elsewhere does not have to diminish affection pointed in any given trajectory. We’ve been friends for a while. Why would I think that her confiding a separate crush to me had anything to do with her feelings for me?
That said, my hopes may not have been very high (did I mention she’s amazing?), but as soon as I found out she was willing to experiment with girls, I began to hatch a plan to get her to experiment with me. My plan was highly complex:
- Lose all brain power whenever I think of her
- Curse the flying spaghetti monster that I’m as old as I am and I’m still not practiced enough in this to keep my head screwed on straight around her
- Wait until she says something clever, witty, profoundly insightful, or that just puts a smile on her face (this will take all of 5 seconds, so I’d better be prepared. Also, thank you to my non-spousal primary on the--ahem--primer on how to deal with girls)
- Kiss her
- Wait for the slap.
None of this happened. Well, step 4 did, but that was not due to any talent or action on my part. Turns out that when the crush on her first love/play interest(s) started to fall through, I happened to be there to pick up the pieces (note: I still stand by affection directed elsewhere not influencing the connection directed at me, but there really are only so many hours in the day, and it makes perfect sense to me why she was not pursuing me at the same time as going after someone else). She already knew I’m not fond of the uncertainty does-she-like-me guessing game (a game she kindly calls “flirting” but that I call exhaustively defending my boundaries), and so she straight up told me she intended to kiss me (did I mention she’s wonderful?).
At that point, steps 1 and 2 above became active.
She calls me her secondary, which is a shockingly high level of commitment from that which I was expecting (commitment: we write each other a couple of times a week and see each other when we’re in town, to do whatever we want. And we’re honest about our other partners on some semi-short time scale. We do that for as long as it works for us, and then we renegotiate), and I call her my girlthing out of complete and utter lack of brain power available to so much as categorize her whenever she pops up in my head (thank you to my secondary for that term).
Is this what it’s like to be a 15-year-old guy? I wish I had had more empathy for them. Right now I’m high on NRE (new relationship energy), and as much as I am quite aware that I’m insufferable, my spouse is kindly just laughing at me.
I intend to learn a great many things from my girlthing, starting with how to work a room so that everyone in it feels loved and appreciated. There is a way to do it, as evidenced by how special I felt when we were at dinner and she was publicly cuddling her husband while simultaneously playing footsie with me under the table (awkward poly moment when he reached for her hand, got mine instead, and it took a good 5 minutes for him to figure out his mistake).
Plus, she manages to make me feel secure even though the physical aspect of our relationship is quite new (code: anything can blow up massively and horribly at any time). One of my coworkers has a saying: “If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all. But if you can say something nice, it’s in your best interests to do so.” My girlthing is great at that. It’s really clear to me why I like her. What’s less clear to me is what she sees in me (bumbling idiot whenever she’s around? Check). But she managed to say it in words:
You've been friends with me for a year and a half... gone rock climbing and ziplining with me, had dinners and drinks with me, cheered up my husband upon request, moved away from me (okay, that one is a strike against you), sent email to me on 62 different gmail threads, and found me [delete salient features here] guy to make out with.
So now my face is a little red, in addition to my brain being a little stupid, but I wouldn’t trade it for anything. Long live the crush!
*****
Questions or comments? Now is a bad time to ask, as I’m too deep in NRE to have anything useful to say. But I promise to to contemplate it to the best of my ability, so try me anyway: polysaturated@rocketmail.com
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