Let me tell you one of my least favorite messages to give:
I’m willing to sleep with a lot of people. And you are not among them.
I am compelled to give that message a lot (statistically speaking, it’s unlikely that you are in that category if you’re reading this. Hi, Jody). And I try to soften the blow as much as I reasonably can, especially if I have no evidence that the recipient is a moron. After all, I’ve been told many times that the male ego is precious and delicate and all-important to making the world go round. But here’s the problem: a softly-conveyed message doesn’t always seem to come across.
I grew up in the South, where politeness is highly valued. Just kidding--I grew up in a European household, where politeness is highly valued. Either way, I’ve heard a lot of complaints in the past decades that politeness has been defenestrated. And I think there’s a good reason. I can give a message gently, if the social contract is that you will think hard enough to correctly interpret the message when it comes gently. If the message fails to come through, I may have to yell to get my point across. Especially a point as important as I-am-not-sleeping-with-you.
So here’s a cheat sheet of how to get that the answer is no, without anyone having to spell it out in gory detail and damage that all-important gender-nonspecific ego (you can pretend that giving up was your idea if you get the clues first):
Consider the option that the reason I’m so happy is that my bed is already full. I’ll grant that I’m flirtier than most. I smile more. More things are funny to me than the average person. I’ve got a lot of energy. I know it may look like this behavior is a response to a great deal of chemistry between me and you, personally. But really, it’s that I’m happy. And there are a lot of people making me happy, thanks. If you’re new to the game of my life, you’re probably still a minor character, and I’m booked tonight, thanks.
I smile with my eyes, not my boobs. If you’re asking me out or flirting or carrying on in public, keep your eyes up. I’m going to smile, either because I like you or because I don’t like you and want to make sure I don’t inadvertently convince someone else who might like you that you’re a dud. If you asked me out and my eyes light up, I like you. If you asked me out and my eyes looked tired, then I’m empathizing with you being at the end of a long line of people who are trying and failing to get on my evening schedule.
No means no. And a lot of other things mean no, too. For example, “yeah, maybe, let me check my schedule” is not an invitation for you to check my schedule. Vague interest probably means I think you’re a reasonable person, but not reasonable enough for me to spend time getting to know you. An actual time stated, especially if it comes with a location, is a date.
Am I actually talking to you? If you find yourself expressing >75% of the words in our “conversation,” especially if you’re following me around because I’m moving in a direction that’s not towards you, I probably don’t find you as interesting as you find yourself. Bonus points on this one if most of your words are about how awesome you think you are.
I don’t kiss you back. Maybe it’s me. Maybe it’s you. But it only takes one to detect lack of chemistry. Extra special bonus points here if I was moving away when you tried to kiss me.
I’m looking for an escape route. You’re looking at my face, and I’m looking over you, to the side of you, around you, or through you. Or, my torso may be pointing toward you, but my feet are pointing away, as if that’s where they want me to go. The bottom line is, if it looks like I’m looking for something that’s more important than you so I can escape without hurting your feelings, I probably am. Feel free to cut me some slack and pretend to see something more important than me as well.
There are a bunch more messages that can give a clue when the answer is no, and feel free to stick some of them on comments. This is by no means an exhaustive list, only a few tactics that I’ve used with various degrees of success.
And I know I’m going to get some flak for not being honest here. Polyamorous people value open and honest communication above all else, and it’s true. Honesty is going to trump other values at any time. What I’m aiming for here is an advanced skill--open, honest, and kind communication. And as with any type of communication, the kind aspect is a two-way street. So I’m going to go for kind and honest first, hope my recipient will understand and react appropriately, and bring up the big guns of brutal honestly only later. I’m just hoping to walk softly so I can avoid using that big stick.
*******
Questions or comments? I've got opinions. Try my at polysaturated@rocketmail.com.
I’m willing to sleep with a lot of people. And you are not among them.
I am compelled to give that message a lot (statistically speaking, it’s unlikely that you are in that category if you’re reading this. Hi, Jody). And I try to soften the blow as much as I reasonably can, especially if I have no evidence that the recipient is a moron. After all, I’ve been told many times that the male ego is precious and delicate and all-important to making the world go round. But here’s the problem: a softly-conveyed message doesn’t always seem to come across.
I grew up in the South, where politeness is highly valued. Just kidding--I grew up in a European household, where politeness is highly valued. Either way, I’ve heard a lot of complaints in the past decades that politeness has been defenestrated. And I think there’s a good reason. I can give a message gently, if the social contract is that you will think hard enough to correctly interpret the message when it comes gently. If the message fails to come through, I may have to yell to get my point across. Especially a point as important as I-am-not-sleeping-with-you.
So here’s a cheat sheet of how to get that the answer is no, without anyone having to spell it out in gory detail and damage that all-important gender-nonspecific ego (you can pretend that giving up was your idea if you get the clues first):
Consider the option that the reason I’m so happy is that my bed is already full. I’ll grant that I’m flirtier than most. I smile more. More things are funny to me than the average person. I’ve got a lot of energy. I know it may look like this behavior is a response to a great deal of chemistry between me and you, personally. But really, it’s that I’m happy. And there are a lot of people making me happy, thanks. If you’re new to the game of my life, you’re probably still a minor character, and I’m booked tonight, thanks.
I smile with my eyes, not my boobs. If you’re asking me out or flirting or carrying on in public, keep your eyes up. I’m going to smile, either because I like you or because I don’t like you and want to make sure I don’t inadvertently convince someone else who might like you that you’re a dud. If you asked me out and my eyes light up, I like you. If you asked me out and my eyes looked tired, then I’m empathizing with you being at the end of a long line of people who are trying and failing to get on my evening schedule.
No means no. And a lot of other things mean no, too. For example, “yeah, maybe, let me check my schedule” is not an invitation for you to check my schedule. Vague interest probably means I think you’re a reasonable person, but not reasonable enough for me to spend time getting to know you. An actual time stated, especially if it comes with a location, is a date.
Am I actually talking to you? If you find yourself expressing >75% of the words in our “conversation,” especially if you’re following me around because I’m moving in a direction that’s not towards you, I probably don’t find you as interesting as you find yourself. Bonus points on this one if most of your words are about how awesome you think you are.
I don’t kiss you back. Maybe it’s me. Maybe it’s you. But it only takes one to detect lack of chemistry. Extra special bonus points here if I was moving away when you tried to kiss me.
I’m looking for an escape route. You’re looking at my face, and I’m looking over you, to the side of you, around you, or through you. Or, my torso may be pointing toward you, but my feet are pointing away, as if that’s where they want me to go. The bottom line is, if it looks like I’m looking for something that’s more important than you so I can escape without hurting your feelings, I probably am. Feel free to cut me some slack and pretend to see something more important than me as well.
There are a bunch more messages that can give a clue when the answer is no, and feel free to stick some of them on comments. This is by no means an exhaustive list, only a few tactics that I’ve used with various degrees of success.
And I know I’m going to get some flak for not being honest here. Polyamorous people value open and honest communication above all else, and it’s true. Honesty is going to trump other values at any time. What I’m aiming for here is an advanced skill--open, honest, and kind communication. And as with any type of communication, the kind aspect is a two-way street. So I’m going to go for kind and honest first, hope my recipient will understand and react appropriately, and bring up the big guns of brutal honestly only later. I’m just hoping to walk softly so I can avoid using that big stick.
*******
Questions or comments? I've got opinions. Try my at polysaturated@rocketmail.com.
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