Most aspects of openness apply pretty well to monogamy, only more so, but I found myself in an interesting position recently. I was with a lover at the time they were experience a breakup in another relationship.
If you think dealing with a lover who’s into someone else incites jealousy, try being with a lover who’s into someone else and no longer has access to them. Breakups, depending on the nature of the relationship, are emotionally all-encompassing for an indefinite quantity of time, and an innocent bystander might not feel very useful, or even visible.
What surprised me was my reaction. Sure, it’s not exactly what I’d call a rip-roaring good time to hang out with someone who’s in the process of breaking up, but it is generally rewarding to be around someone you love, even if they--or you--are not in a good mood (I noticed this when I failed to be disappointed in having missed a threesome involving one lover and one new third in favor of arguing with a different close lover of mine--taking care of business with my own choice takes precedence over fun times with a random person any day of the week).
Turns out the effect of being around for my lover's relationship status change was not so different from counseling a lover over anything major that doesn’t apply directly to me, for example a job loss. This metamour (my lover’s lover) was important, if not to me directly, than to my lover’s life, and therefore to me. It was my pleasure to be available to listen and just be with them as they sorted out their feelings and priorities for a next move. Kudos to my lover, in that case, for not comparing me to the love they lost, and just allowing me to be with them.
I’ve had or heard of a few variations on the same theme. In one case, the breakup involved transfer of Stuff, wherein the ex-metamour took back some objects that were theirs. Knowing full well that I wasn’t going to be able to replace the emotional content of those objects, I could still send over a version that had my stamp on it (it seems to have helped here to acknowledge that I was not trying to barge in on replacing anything emotional, but just offering a little nudge that I was thinking of them, and their love life can be good even if not the exact design they would choose).
In another instance, a friend of mine was counseling her primary over the loss of his secondary. My friend admitted that it was in fact very easy to be present to her primary because any residual jealousy issues went away with the relationship, and she could focus entirely on her primary and his reaction to the breakup. From all the anecdotal evidence I have, counseling a lover on a different breakup doesn’t seem that bad.
It might be nice to have the emotional support of a different lover if you’re dealing with the loss yourself. In this case, or when a breakup is in process but not completed, I’ve heard a lot of cautions about seeking solace from one lover when time and energy would be better spent communicating with the person with whom things are going poorly (and this brings us back to the potentially hot threesome I turned down to argue with an established lover--it might have backfired to forgo necessary communication to indulge in a bit of personal pleasure). For one thing, bringing an innocent third party into the mix can turn volatile. For another, unnecessarily delaying important communication has consequences of its own, including letting problems fester that can otherwise easily be nipped in the bud.
Got a question? I’ve got opinions. Try me at polysaturated@rocketmail.com.
If you think dealing with a lover who’s into someone else incites jealousy, try being with a lover who’s into someone else and no longer has access to them. Breakups, depending on the nature of the relationship, are emotionally all-encompassing for an indefinite quantity of time, and an innocent bystander might not feel very useful, or even visible.
What surprised me was my reaction. Sure, it’s not exactly what I’d call a rip-roaring good time to hang out with someone who’s in the process of breaking up, but it is generally rewarding to be around someone you love, even if they--or you--are not in a good mood (I noticed this when I failed to be disappointed in having missed a threesome involving one lover and one new third in favor of arguing with a different close lover of mine--taking care of business with my own choice takes precedence over fun times with a random person any day of the week).
Turns out the effect of being around for my lover's relationship status change was not so different from counseling a lover over anything major that doesn’t apply directly to me, for example a job loss. This metamour (my lover’s lover) was important, if not to me directly, than to my lover’s life, and therefore to me. It was my pleasure to be available to listen and just be with them as they sorted out their feelings and priorities for a next move. Kudos to my lover, in that case, for not comparing me to the love they lost, and just allowing me to be with them.
I’ve had or heard of a few variations on the same theme. In one case, the breakup involved transfer of Stuff, wherein the ex-metamour took back some objects that were theirs. Knowing full well that I wasn’t going to be able to replace the emotional content of those objects, I could still send over a version that had my stamp on it (it seems to have helped here to acknowledge that I was not trying to barge in on replacing anything emotional, but just offering a little nudge that I was thinking of them, and their love life can be good even if not the exact design they would choose).
In another instance, a friend of mine was counseling her primary over the loss of his secondary. My friend admitted that it was in fact very easy to be present to her primary because any residual jealousy issues went away with the relationship, and she could focus entirely on her primary and his reaction to the breakup. From all the anecdotal evidence I have, counseling a lover on a different breakup doesn’t seem that bad.
It might be nice to have the emotional support of a different lover if you’re dealing with the loss yourself. In this case, or when a breakup is in process but not completed, I’ve heard a lot of cautions about seeking solace from one lover when time and energy would be better spent communicating with the person with whom things are going poorly (and this brings us back to the potentially hot threesome I turned down to argue with an established lover--it might have backfired to forgo necessary communication to indulge in a bit of personal pleasure). For one thing, bringing an innocent third party into the mix can turn volatile. For another, unnecessarily delaying important communication has consequences of its own, including letting problems fester that can otherwise easily be nipped in the bud.
Got a question? I’ve got opinions. Try me at polysaturated@rocketmail.com.
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